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House of Buggin'

Previously on Roswell, But From Krypton: meteors plowed into a small Kansas town, forever dooming it to appear on The WB. A small boy who fell from the sky in a space pod is adopted by Annette O'Toole and Bo Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard. Nobody in the tiny town seemed to mind or notice. Teen Clark Kent discovered that he is, indeed, a space freakazoid. Clark's "friends" bet that he can't get within five feet of pretty-yet-ugly Lana Lang without falling on his lame ass. It's true, because she's got a necklace full of kryptonite. Clark got hit by Fashionably Bald Lex Luthor's car and got not a scratch. Clark's friend Chloe showed off "The Wall of Weird," showing strange occurrences in the town since the meteor shower. Clark got strung up in a cornfield for a weird scarecrow ritual. Lex made off with Lana's kryptonite necklace, and Clark mooned over Lana with his home telescope and spy kit.

Remember the cheesy cut to the stars and the bad alt-rock music that ended the last episode? Well, so do the writers, because that's exactly where we start, right on the night of the big high-school dance. We pan down from a starry Kansas sky to Lana Lang's house, where one lone light, in the room at the top left, is on. Then we pan to the left and it's time to get fah-reaky! The homespun orchestral music turns dark and moody, very Twin Peaks, as we go into some trees and see something -- a man? a bug? a bug-shaped man? -- crouched on a limb.

Now we're in Lana's room, which is pretty devoid of personality that we can see so far, much like her character. Lana, in her pink dress, takes off her homecoming tiara, goes to a big white shelf unit, and opens a bottom drawer. In it are seemingly hundreds of tiaras, crowns, ribbons, and other evidence of her almost superhuman ability to be the only girl in town who wins anything. Lana turns and notices a breadbox-sized gold gift, tied with a blue ribbon, on her bed. She gives it the little "what are you, then?" head tilt, and smiles. Lana's wearing an awful lot of eye makeup. But being that Nasty Nell has been raising her for the last decade or so, we'll forgive it. Lana sits on the bed, undoes the ribbon, and opens the box. A bunch of computer-generated butterflies or perhaps moths fly out, dancing around. They look fluorescent, as if they somehow bested and ate one of those hanging outdoor bug zappers. Lana looks around, delighted, just like she's in a bad cartoon/live-action short. Her room lights up all pretty and blue. It is then that we zoom back and reveal that Lana is being watched through a videocamera. Clark Kent, no! I knew he was a bad seed. A space freak, stalker, Wes Bentley-wannabe Supercreep! Oh, wait, my bad. It's actually some guy with stringy hair and glasses who's watching Lana. Still. Clark? I'm watching you.

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