Smallville
Metamorphosis

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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House of Buggin'

Super-fast running. Cheekbones is a blur. Then he stops. Then he's a blur again. Man, he's fast! He comically pops his head at the top of the tree house. He sees Lana lying down, covered in webs. Just as he's about to help, a crouching Bug Boy warns him to "get away from her." 'Bones says he knows what happened to Bug Boy. "Then you know that I've been freed," he says. 'Bones says that, no, he's just a slave to his instincts. Bug Boy then tells us how great it is to be a bug: you get to eat what you want, when you want, and take what you want. So this whole bug episode is a parable for going to college? I think I'd rather be watching Undeclared. 'Bones suggests that Bug Boy won't be taking Lana anywhere, especially not to the Bug Casbah for any kind of rocking purposes. "You're not the only one who's changed," 'Bones says. Then they fight.

Bug Boy leaps on Cheekbones just like every other male character on the show wants to do, and they fall out of the treehouse, crashing to the ground. Bug Boy chitters and hops over a tall fence toward Creekside Foundry. 'Bones follows. Inside it looks like the set of that warehouse where Robocop was originally killed. As soon as he walks in, 'Bones looks nauseous, and we soon see why: there are kryptonite rocks everywhere. 'Bones starts to breathe heavily and stumble around. Bug Boy sneaks up behind and whales one on his back with a huge metal pipe. 'Bones goes flying in a most lame, unrealistic way. Cheekbones starts to notice his hand aging like it did before with the kryptonite. Bug Boy notes with delicious pleasure that, just like when they were kids, 'Bones always gets sick around this place. Then Bug Boy says that the Buffalo Ant can lift thirty times its body weight. Oh, I get it. He's Jonathan Lipnicki all grown up. Bug Boy lifts up Cheekbones and tosses him across the warehouse. Then he jumps around for no reason except to show how bug-like he is. This is where, instead of the orchestral music, they should have used House of Pain's "Jump Around." Just then, 'Bones notices a metal enclosure. His hand starts to heal. "It's lined with lead," he tells himself. No, it's lined with Deus Ex Machina. Bug Boy continues to spew villainisms like, "You can't fight natural law!" and "Only the strong survive!" Are we going to have to listen to this shit every week? 'Bones finally comes face to face with Bug Boy, and starts thrashing him around, breaking walls and such, now that his powers are back. He finally flings Bug Boy clear across the warehouse, just to even the score. Bug Boy pulls a chain to get himself up (what, he can't just leap upright?) and on his way up, pulls a lever. "Greg, watch out!" Cheekbones yells, but it's too late. A big yellow metal thing comes crashing down, squashing our beloved Bug Boy. Hundreds of bugs crawl out from under the machinery and skitter past 'Bones. They have a phrase for endings like this in the world of drama and theatre: "Lame-ass."

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