Smallville
Metamorphosis

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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House of Buggin'

Next, we see Stalker Boy walk down a smoky, misty stretch of road to his waiting VW Bug. (Oh, funny. The bug allusions have just started.) He throws in his backpack, gets into his green bug, and drives off into the Mist of Indeterminate Origin. He gets home to his very nice house and is greeted by his mom, who is the bus driver from the fantastic film The Sweet Hereafter which, if you haven't seen, you should rent right after you finish this recap. Stalker Boy creeps into the living room, grabbing the corner of the wall, and we see his face for the first time. He's pimply, with limp, nasty hair and deadened eyes. Mom's watching TV; on it, we see Lana lying on some grass and laughing with her boyfriend Whitney -- which is the strangest name for a jock ever, but I digress. "Is this what you do with your time now, Greg?" Mom asks accusingly. In her hand, she's holding several camcorder tapes, and if the cribbing of American Beauty isn't obvious, maybe they should have just made the mother an ex-Marine. Stalker Boy asks where she got the tapes. "In that hole you call a room," she says. At least she didn't call it a hive. Stalker Boy bitches about Mom going in his room, and she says he has a lot of nerve talking to her about privacy. "I am in the Garden Club with Lana's aunt," Mom says, and she looks positively pissed. She asks whether that's where he was tonight. He says he was out "collecting." "Two disgusting habits," she says. Since when did stalking become a habit? Is there a patch or some gum you can buy to stop with the stalking? Because I think Clark Kent needs some Stalkerderm, too. "Insects aren't disgusting, Mom," Stalker Boy says, with the intensity of Chris Kattan playing Antonio Banderas talking about The Sexy. Mom comes over to Stalker Boy; she says that all of this isn't him and, goodness, look what's become of her boy! He says, "People change." Mom threatens to send him to Claremont Military Academy because she's had it with his behavior. No such place. "Hey, who's going to take care of my bugs?" Stalker Boy wails. Hee hee.

Inside the Stalker Boy's lair: he's practically Jame Gumb. He's got butterflies, moths and bugs in all manner of glass containers. He presses his face against the aquarium holding butterflies like the ones he gave to Lana. He wanders over to his backpack and removes a big glass jar containing what look like radioactive fireflies. They're buzzing around, and he does what bug people are always telling you not to do: he shakes the jar around. Then he breathes deeply, in a creepy sexual way. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, wait, there is! "Don't worry guys," he croaks to his jar 'o bugs, "I'm going to take you somewhere safe." Um, would that be outside?

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Smallville

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