Smallville
Metamorphosis

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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House of Buggin'

Somebody must be driving a car in Smallville, because loud crap rock is playing. In this instance, it's Papa Roach's (do you get the bug reference? Do ya?) "Last Resort." Stalker Boy is driving all crazy with the glass jar on his dashboard, as if they're little radioactive flying Jesuses. He swerves to avoid absolutely nothing; the jar falls off the dashboard and shatters on the floorboards. Suddenly, the computer animated firefly-looking things start buzzing around. One of them heads right for the camera like Ric Ocasek in a Cars video. Stalker Boy looks not very happy all of a sudden, and starts swatting at his precious, precious bugs. If this were Jurassic Park, he'd be Wayne Knight. The bugs swarm around Stalker Boy and he moans, "Oh no! Don't do that!" Instead of stopping the car like a sane and logical person who's not on TV, he keeps driving, even though the bugs are attacking him. Next thing you know, he hits a tree. Naturally. The VW Bug is dead, but the flying bugs are very much alive, attacking the crap out of Stalker Boy. The camera pulls back as the inside of the VW casts a greenish Tommyknockers glow. Stalker Boy screams.

Inside Stalker Boy's room, a locust is crawling on broken glasses. His mom knocks on the door and asks, "Where have you been?" and pronounces "been" like you'd pronounce "bean." This is how we know the show was shot in Canada and not Kansas. ["Gabrielle Rose is totally Canadian. I think she's been in every Atom Egoyan movie." -- Wing Chun] Mom walks into the room, looks around while the creepy creepy music plays, and leaves, disgusted with her weird son. The camera pans up to the ceiling as the sound of chittering bugs intensifies. He's on the ceiling! Facing down! Stuck up there! Like he's Lionel Richie! His skin is mottled and nasty. His hair is slicked back. He's not Stalker Boy. He's Bug Boy!

Right at this moment, I expect to hear the X-Files opening theme and it jars me badly that, instead, it's the opening to Smallville. "Save Me" by Remy Zero plays, but I'm told by my forum peeps that they gutted the song of its guitars. To end all debate on the matter from my end: the song is nowhere near as bad as the one that opens Enterprise. And I dig the wailing vocals. Each cast member is introduced by superimposing (ha!) their big heads over scenes of them from the pilot episode. Annette O'Toole looks like she's sucking a lemon. Bo Duke gulps while a farm with a weathervane is in the background. That sort of thing. At least the opening sequence is short.

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Smallville

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