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House of Buggin'

Stately Luthor Manor. In a huge room of stained-glass windows, Lex holds up the kryptonite bracelet to examine it in the sun. He slides an ornate black box across a desk and eyes the necklace one more time before putting it in that box.

Horse riding. With strummy rock music. Lana rides her horse into her family's stable. "Your form's good, but his gait's off," she hears. It's Lex, talking about her horse. What, does he have gait-dar? Lex, wearing all black, introduces himself as a friend of Lana's aunt. She says he's lucky he didn't get kicked, sneaking in like that. Lex tries to continue the introduction, but Lana interrupts to say that she's already met Lex. He doesn't remember. Turns out she met him in Metropolis when Lana was ten. Lana went to the Luthors' manor there during a riding competition with her aunt. She found Lex and some floozy skinny dipping. "I think you were teaching her the breaststroke," she says. "That was you?" Lex answers, "You're all grown up now." Lex then sidles over to Lana's trophy case. So she has a trophy case in the stable and a junk drawer full of ribbons and tiaras. Anybody else sick of her yet? Lana says the case is tacky, but makes her aunt happy. Lex points to a picture of Lana where she's wearing her riding gear and looks like a young Tia Carrere. He asks about the necklace she's wearing in the picture. She says it's special. "How come you're not wearing it?" he asks. She lent it to Jocko McRoadkill. Lex casually asks whether her boyfriend is the same "Whitney" Clark Kent saved that very same day. Oh, Lex, you smooth! "Kind of makes you wonder if you're with the right guy," Lex tells Lana. "One chucks footballs, the other saves lives." Lana tells Lex he's got lots of opinions. You have no idea, girly. Lex adds that Lana seems more interesting than that (no, she doesn't!), and that while she's nursing Jocko back to health, she should ask what Jocko did before the big game. Lana says, "He was with me." "Are you sure?" Lex says, and just as the look of confusion and doubt enters her expression, he smiles and says, "Say hi to your aunt for me." That Lex. Good thing he's a good guy, because if he were to ever use his powers of persuasion for evil, there'd be no stopping him!

Casa de Bug Boy. Mom walks in the front door carrying a paper sack of groceries, and reacts to something immediately. We see that the thermostat reads 103 degrees. Oh, come on. They don't go that high, do they? Even the digital ones? Mama Bug calls out to her son and runs upstairs to find the foolish kid who set the thermostat so high. My parents must think I have some of the Bug Boy in me, because when I visit them, they always have the temperature at 69 degrees, which is just too damn frigid, and I always turn it up to at least 78, and then they turn it right back down and at some point, I'm sure we'll all die of body temperature disorder. Mama Bug walks into Bug Boy's room about to yell, but stops herself when she sees what appear to be spiderwebs everywhere. Everything is nasty and musty. She turns around, and Boy Boy is standing there, but now his skin is perfect, and with his hair slicked back, he looks just like Christian Bale in American Psycho. Mom asks what the hell has gotten into him. "About two million years of intelligence and instinct," he replies. So he's the more erudite version of the bug from Men in Black, then. Mom asks him to stop. He responds that it's too late, and that he's going to eat, then molt, then mate. Hey, that's what I had planned to do tonight! Mom tries to leave. Bug Boy -- who is shirtless, by the way -- stops her, then starts talking crap about the Pharoah Spider, which kills its mother. Bug Boy turns around, makes some awful cracking sound with his jaw, and then turns back, eyes all wild. Bug Boy opens his mouth and makes a nasty face and a big gray clot of wet-looking web foam shoots out of his mouth and toward the camera. Mom screams. We go to commercial.

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