Smallville
Mortal

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Losin' It

The barn door opens. No, really, the actual barn door. Clark and Lana get up hurriedly, Clark already trying to explain what they're doing up in the barn loft. He runs down the stairs while trying to put his shirt back on: "We were just...talking about our dead exes!" The Fester Twins shoot a fireball at Clark that grabs him and throws him up against the ceiling of the barn. "Clark!" Lana yells. "Pretty girl! I approve," says Busey from below. Clark asks what they want. Busey says he wants what every freak in Belle Reve wants. "You!" he yells, pointing at Clark. Are you sure you're from Belle Reve and not Taint, the new nightclub in Metropolis? The camera zooms in on Clark, pinned to the top of the barn as little CGI ripples of energy hold him in place.

Commercials. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on DVD. The fact that I want to see it may mean I have a man-gina.

Kent home. The thugs are pushing Clark and Lana roughly into the living room. Clark gets punched in the face. Ow! That actually hurts! "Stop!" Lana says. Oh, sure, all right. We'll just be going now and -- heeeeey! That usually never works! Busey grabs Lana and calls her "baby girl." Which, you know, is pretty astute. Lana asks Clark who these guys are. Clark says he doesn't know. "Oh, but we know you!" Busey says. He says that Clark is a legend in Belle Reve. The Festers nod their bobbly heads. Busey says that half the freaks at Belle Reve are there because of Clark. Lana asks for clarification as she struggles. Clark says they've got the wrong guy. Busey says that maybe "sweet meat" can help them find the right one. He licks Lana right in the face. Unless Conan O'Brien is doing it, that's just wrong, wrong, wrong. Clark runs for Busey. Busey lets Lana go and reaches one arm out for electricity and the other to shoot a pinecone at Clark. Ouch! That's a painful pinecone. "Clark!" Lana yells, and then runs to help him. The Festers fret that Clark isn't what they expected. Where's the panache? The Oscar Wilde wit? Why, he's hardly gay at all! Clark insists that they've got the wrong guy. Busey says they'll just have to kill Clark. Or start with his little girlfriend. She is twee, isn't she? Busey lights a cigarette with his tiny ball of energy, and either he has terrible aim or the CGI guys just didn't have much to work with, because it's barely touching the thing. Clark and Lana stand around and breathe heavily.

The Caves of Contrivance. Chloe, flashlight in hand, is looking around. She finds the giant stone Texas Hold 'Em Table of Interstellar Convergence. It accepts debit and credit! Chloe gives it a long look, and then says to herself, "All right, Clark. As long as you're happy with who you are." She turns to walk away and there's Lex, bam! Is that going to happen every time Lex shows up now? He just magically appears behind someone? I still say these caves are remarkably well lit considering that there are no other light sources. Lex says that happiness is an elusive creature. It's a homosexual penguin at the zoo, really. He says that so few us of ever really have it. Chloe snaps back that it doesn't make the journey any less important. "Or the destination," Lex counters. Wait. What? Lex hands Chloe the flashlight she just dropped. He asks if Chloe remembers the last time they were there together. Chloe says she doesn't remember what happened. Lex asks why she's been avoiding him. Allergy? Static electricity? Faint natural-gas smell? Chloe says she's been busy. Is Chloe working anywhere these days? Shouldn't she be starting college? Lex snarks that being a third wheel can be very time-consuming. Ouch. That one hurt. A bit bitterly, Chloe says that Clark and Lana are happy and that's all that should matter to a real friend. Lex struggles with that one and says he thinks Chloe knows more than she says. He tells her she's playing a very dangerous game. Either the light is bad here or Chloe looks very tired all of a sudden. Chloe says that's like hiding the spaceship Lana saw. Lex says that Lana was hysterical at the time, and didn't see what she thought she saw. "Well maybe you didn't either, Lex," she tells him. Chloe tells him to start asking questions or she'll start asking her own. Lex is left to play by himself at the giant stone table.

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Smallville

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