While exploring some new, and attractively damp, underground tunnels, Lex is trapped by a woman seeking her soldier husband. The lady, who happens to be an explosives expert, thinks Lex did something to him, and demands to find him. To add some leverage, she blows up part of the tunnel, trapping Lex with her and injuring Papa Luthor. Lex tells the woman that her husband died before LuthorCorp could save him, but that doesn't stop her; she's rigged the entire tunnel system with explosives. Lex accidentally shoots her while trying to take her gun. She dies. Papa Luthor, on a stretcher, begs Clark to go in and help Lex. Clark does. Unfortunately, the caves are lined with Kryptonite, so Clark gets bloodied up and pinned down by rubble as he and Lex hash out why their friendship broke apart and why Lana didn't want to marry Lex on their wedding day. Speaking of the Character Formerly Dressed In Pink, Lana uses Papa's misfortune to try to get some information about her phantom pregnancy. Papa tells Lana that he's doing all of this to protect Clark -- quite the switcheroo. Lana, newly assertive, finds a suitcase of Lex's that contains a disc with blueprints for the tunnels, as well as a disturbing video of a Phantom Zoner killing a young couple. Lana and Chloe get to the tunnel just as Lex has saved Clark and helped him to reach the surface in time for everything to blow up. She and Clark give each other sultry looks before Lex emerges and Lana has to go to him. She gives him a big speech about the baby and how she'd never have betrayed him about something like that. It's just an effort to make him feel guilty; Lana clearly doesn't love Lex anymore. Clark whines about Lex's humanity and whether he may have had something to do with the way his former friend turned out. In the end, it turns out Lex lied to the woman in the tunnels. Her husband is alive and being used for a LuthorCorp experiment. Lex lies, you know.
So did anybody win a Yaris last week? No? Me neither. Better luck this time. I'm holding out for a second Prius so I can cancel out my own emissions reduction.
We open on an extremely damp tunnel. It's so damp that a stream of water flows down across the floor. This place is Leaky McGee. Get a plumber in here! Preferably one who can eat mushrooms to make himself grow and shoot fireballs at hungry man-eating plants. Lex Luthor, wielding a flashlight, is walking around the drippy, but surprisingly well-lit, subterranean hallways. If there's one person you want exploring moist, tight, dark spaces, it's Lex Luthor. Papa Luthor, wearing a full suit instead of a Super Mario set of overalls, is already there waiting. He teases Lex for not inviting him to the special 4:00 AM pre-dawn tour. Papa Luthor says that Lex's "current machinations" (there'll be machinery involved?) have forced him to work outside regular business hours. Lex says he should find it comforting that his father keeps checking up on him constantly. Papa Luthor asks, as they keep walking for the Steadicam, why Lex is interested in these particular tunnels, which have been abandoned for decades. Lex says that it's for a water-purification program. He adds that it's public knowledge. Papa isn't buying that bull-puckey-cake, and he says that something down here is a lot more interesting to Lex than the approval of some "eco-enthusiasts." Lex says that there's plenty to conquer above ground before he takes on the underworld. Yeah, leave the Mole-Men to Saul Malone.
Papa asks suddenly which world will be host to "Project Ares." Aw, they named it for my birthsign! Sorta. Lex is caught off guard. He turns to Papa with wide eyes. He knows about Project Ares!? What the heck is Project Ares? But that moment only lasts a second, because they both see sparks flying from around the corner. Lex goes that way and we see someone in a full welding outfit working with an acetylene torch on a big metal gate. One time, we were using torches like that in shop class, and our teacher pulled out a really big one and I said, "Whoah! Big mofo!" I got into a lot of trouble. Thus ended my promising career in the industrial arts. Maybe I've told this story before. It's been a long six seasons. Lex yells above the welding that this is a restricted area. The welder opens the gate and takes off the big metal mask. It's a girl! And she's kinda hot! If you're into lady welders. Not at all like my shop teacher. Whoah! Sexy mofo! The woman tells Lex that he's right on time. Lex asks her to tell him what the hell she's doing here. She turns and starts walking away as she says, "Love to." Lex warns her that he's calling security. He tells her to pack her things and leave. Why not just leave and forget the packing? Papa Luthor waits. He looks up and notices a big red bulb on a dangerous-looking device. The woman says this is invitation-only. She pulls out a trigger with a button on the top. Papa Luthor reacts with horror. "Lex!" he screams. He tries to run toward his son. Explosive Lady Welder pushes the button. An explosion sends Papa Luthor flying back and a bunch of rock and dust crashing down between them. "Dad!" Lex yells, without moving to help. The woman smacks Lex in the face with the welder's helmet. He falls. Unconscious, of course. You could knock Lex out with the scent of burning toast. The woman drags him down the hall as the camera pulls back. So, uh...we'll just stay here, then. Don't mind us. We'll just watch some commercials.