Clark is in the offices of The Torch. He's spinning the rotor of a little toy helicopter. We pan up, and Lana, in her little black number, is trying to be The Sexy. Leaning in a doorway is The Sexy, she's been told. Clark turns and stops in mid-sentence. The camera paws all over Lana, panning up the length of her. It's not very far. When we get to her face, we see a little of the actress beneath, looking a little uncomfortable at all that lens scrutiny. Lana spins and asks if Clark likes the new look. Clark says the operative word is "gulp." A slow groove is playing. Nelly Furtado is out in the back of the recording studio putting her snakes away. Lana, eyes half closed under the weight of her eyeshadow, gets close to Clark, leans her big head in, and tells Clark that he can't let things get him down. You know, Dad in a coma? That's not The Sexy. Clark says it's hard not to. Lana whisper/talks that the key is to not think about it, and to let your friends be your friends. Oh, dear lord. It's working. I'm starting to find this conversation...The Sexy. Nooooo! She tells Clark to trust her and let her distract him. "I do trust you, Lana," Clark says. But do you trust her with your pants? "Good," Lana says, and gets up. "Follow me," Lana says, and pulls Clark up by the hand.
The school swimming pool. Somebody has installed pink lights in the pool, and it's vaguely womb-like. A song by Divine Right is playing, talking about sugar and cream and you know that's The Sexy. Lana gets on a diving board and starts unzipping her knee-high leather boots. Borrowed from Nasty Nell? I'm guessing so. As the song, "Supernatural," plays up, Clark starts stuttering that he doesn't think they should be there. Clark isn't familiar with sexual experiences outside of a barn environment. Lana, smiling, swings back onto the diving board, barefooted as the day she was born. "You think too much," she says. Nobody will ever accuse her of that back. She starts to take off a big-ass belt that I'm surprised she can lift. Clark says she doesn't seem like herself. Lana unzips her skirt and drops it. Wait a minute! That's a total body double! We never see shots of Lana's nubile body and face at the same time. Weak. "Or maybe, I'm more me than ever," she answers. "Lana. This is crazy," Clark says, smiling shyly. Man, what a superwuss. Lana talks crap about how she wants life to be crazy. She lifts up her shirt and pulls it over her head. Let's get that body double back in here. Ah, there she is. Either that or it's a very slim man with a push-up bra. Lana's lace bra-chest is visually groped by the camera. Clark is open-mouthed. Ah, The WB. Bringing on The Sexy. Lana turns. Gratuitous body double ass shot. It's hanging out of the panties. "The question is. Do you want what I want?" I can't believe this. Lana is actually acting? Why can't we have her like this every week? That does it. This episode is great, but it's only going to frustrate me when things go back to normal. I wish it were Dysfunctional Character Smallville. Lana's body double does a back flip on the diving board, then another flip into the water. Clark is astounded. Lana emerges from the water, makeup perfect and big '80s hoop earrings about to drown her. "Don't you want to come in, Clark?" she asks. "Uh, er, um, I don't think so," he says. What!? You're not a man, Clark. You're something more and something less. Lana's ass double swims toward Clark. Lana's double emerges. Quick shot to Lana's face. This is so bad. It's like when Leslie Nielsen would emerge from a smoky building and his face was totally clean in the next shot in the Naked Gun movies. "I know you want me, Clark," she says, caressing his ear. "Stop holding back." Clark does nothing. "You're not made of steel...or are you?" she asks. You shouldn't have cheese so soon after swimming. They kiss. A lot. Clark breaks the kiss. "Wait," he says. "Aren't you tired of waiting?" Lana smiles and asks if he needs a little help warming up. She tips him into the pool. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Lana hears someone coming and takes off. Wouldn't you know it? It's Principal I Was Once Smooth, But That Was Years Ago. The music is long gone. Clark's busted.