Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | Grade It Now!
Not Very Well-Versed

First off, shout-out to kstanley for figuring out the Easter egg hidden in the "Heat" recap.

We open on what looks like the set of the Beauty and the Beast TV show, with fog, gravestones, and tinkly fairy-tale music. I'll say it right now and I don't care who hears it: Lana's no Linda Hamilton. Lana clomps in on a horse, as is becoming her primary mode of transportation. I wonder if she's got a horse-hitch post in front of The Talon. Lana places some flowers on her parents' grave. They demand constant attention, including ritual sacrifices and that their names and memory be invoked every hour on the hour. Lana even had to give up movement in her upper lip for them, the poor girl. Atop a Lang gravestone sits a letter. The envelope says, in fancy-schmantzy script, "Lana." The "L" is all cursive and pretty. On the back is a wax stamp with a "B" on it. It's from Danny Bonaduce! Lana hears rustling in the foreboding thickets of this dark wonderland. "Hello?" she calls out. "Look more scared! It's supposed to be more foreboding!" the set designer whispers. Lana looks around. This place is so creepy that even Creep Creepfearmonster, the noted Creepologist from Transylvania, would have given this graveyard pause. (Then he would have fast forwarded past it like I have the urge to do.) Lana is about to open the letter, but stops as she hears a wolf howl. Watch her stay immobile even as entrails and bloody babies start falling from the trees. More close-ups on the letter and the wax stamp. "B." Yes. Let's move on. Another wolf howl.

Somebody's hauling ass through the woods! And he's got stringy, starving-artist hair. And he's wearing a long coat. This is totally someone's idea of a Tim Burton-esque sequence. It's barely LeVar Burton. Artist Boy falls. We hear a dog barking at him. Suddenly, a hefty old guy is standing up above the Boy. It's Richard Moll from Night Court! I always wondered what happened to him. He's holding the dog back on a leash and points a big-ass shotgun at the young man. The man fires. The kid's been Moll-ified!

Poster of some far-off tropical paradise. Wish I were there. The boy with the stringy hair is thrown roughly to the ground inside a dank room. "Dammit, boy, what were you thinking?" says the gruff man who shot him. Guess there was no harm, no foul. "I was thinking I'm in a LeVar Burton sequence, by way of Buffy?" the boy wants to say. The boy apologizes for whatever he did to "Father," and says it won't happen again. The scary older guy asks what the one rule is they live by in the house. "Goth before beauty"? "No driving the fog machine without permission"? "No shooting back"? The rule turns out to be "Byron stays in the cellar." Oh man. "Byron." That name always makes me think of that Mr. Show sketch about the Racist in the Year 3000 and when Bob Odenkirk as the little sidekick, Dougie, finds David Cross in the desert and yells, "Bye-RUN!" Shotgun Daddy asks why they have that rule. "Because Father knows what's best for Byron," says Byron. Hee hee. That gets me every time. Spooky music plays at that last bit. In very tight close-up, Shotgun asks how the Hell Byron (hee hee) got out. Dad really needs to get on a muscle relaxant or something. He's so stressed. He yells that he wants an answer. Byron (ha!) pulls out a little metal rod and instead of stabbing his dad, just says that he pried open the lock. The combination lock? Dad takes the rod, and says that next time there'll be more than a tranquilizer in that gun. First off, Byron (heh heh) seems pretty lucid for somebody who just got tranqued. Second, who uses a shotgun that blasts like a gun to shoot one of those? Doesn't it just make a "snkkkt" sound and not a loud "band"? But who am I to ask? I just work here. Dad exits the basement, which looks just like every other basement in Smallville. We zoom up the nostrils of our cellar-dweller. He's got really pale skin and dark eyes. He so belongs in the White Stripes.

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