Smallville
Obscura

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | 1 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
BlahnaVision

It's the magical world of Vancouver! Trees! Autumn! Seasons! It's all here! Jaunty expedition music plays as we fly over the Canadian landscape. Put this on a big screen and it could be an IMAX feature. We keep flying past some trees and see two figures in the distance approaching on horseback. At least they're not banging two empty halves of coconuts together. We come in from all different angles and surmise that it's Lana Lang, in ponytails, and Ricky Schroder, riding on the horses. Oh, my bad. It's Jocko Whitney. I just can't tell who he is anymore with that new haircut.

Lana and Jocko slow down, and we catch some conversation. Lana says it's been a long time since they did this -- at least twenty episodes -- and that she thought it would be nice to take Jocko's mind off...she trails off. What? His father's death? The cold steel grip of Death's hand as he takes you with his skeletal claw and pitches you into his Sleep of Ages? Um, yeah. That. Jocko tells Lana that she can say it, and that he won't break. For a half second, I thought he was going to say, "I won't breakdance," and that the whole episode would be about Jocko when he used to be in a breakdancing group called "Groove Krushtonite." Jocko says that he's been a little out of it lately. Well, come one more episode, he might be out of it completely (by which I mean this show). Jocko asks Lana to the spring formal. She laughs and says he didn't have to ask. Well, maybe he was just concerned about those moony looks you and Clark exchanged at HIS FATHER'S FUNERAL. Jeez. Lana smiles, showing off one of her Kreukferatu teeth.

Suddenly, an explosion! Lana's horse rears up. Some CGI-looking black smoke is rising in the distance. Jocko and Lana tie their horses up to a convenient fence post and head over to see what's the dilly-o. It's a dilly-o, all right: a gas main is on fire. A police cruiser, a power company truck, and other Haz-Mat-looking workers are dealing with it. Lana and Jocko see what's going on. "Look," Lana says, pointing to another gas pipe that is shaking, looking like it's about to explode as well. They yell "hey!" to the oblivious workers, who are fixated on another pipe. Jocko tells Lana to run while he goes to warn the workers. So what does Lana do? If you've been watching her this season, I bet you can guess: nada. One of the workers tells everyone to run. Where's Lana? Standing right next to the pipe, checking her makeup. Everybody runs. Lana finally moves, her bosom swaying side to side in Baywatch-motion. The main explodes spectacularly, like a rocket. Lana is caught in the blast, '80s-action-movie-style. Why isn't her hair or clothes or anything else on her singed? She falls, and a bunch of shiny green rocks fall around her, as if she's in a Skittles commercial and is being beaten up because she refused to taste the rainbow. Dirt follows. I like it in rap songs where they tell someone that somebody's about to take a "dirt nap." Jocko yells for Lana. The workers shove his head down behind the car. The less said about that, the better. More exploding. Lana wakes up, amid a bunch of little meteor rocks. Her hair isn't singed, but she's got soot on her cheek. Right. Two Ambiguously Gay cops show up, and Lana sees them in blur-o-vision. Jocko joins them, calling her name, and unwittingly becoming part of an Ambiguously Gay Trio.

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Smallville

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