Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
Fatal Attrition

Clark is confused about his love life. He has all these rampaging hormones and boners and the bedsheets are all akimbo. Who could he possibly ask about love and sex in his life? Oh, yeah. The Lair of Lex. Lex is pouring some liquor. That'll knock the straight out of Clark. Lex throws down: "You're gone on one date with this girl, and already she's sneaking into your bedroom, putting sexy pictures of herself in your locker, and practically asking her parents to book the wedding chapel." Yeah, Lex wouldn't know anything about rushing into a quick wedding. Lex approaches Clark like an angry drill sergeant. "What's your secret, Clark?" Lex asks. Butt piracy? "This isn't funny, Lex," says Clark. Yeah, hussy! Clark says that they barely know each other, and that she's acting like they're soulmates. Isn't that what you were telling your parents the night before, Clark? "In my experience [with you], a person [me] doesn't develop this kind of [gay] fixation unless she's been encouraged [you ass] to think the relationship is more than just [bearded] casual." "You're saying I led her on?" asks Clark. Lex is saying you lead everyone on. Now zip up your pants and get out of my sight, you sexy naïf. "I'm saying I've been there," says Lex. Rebecca tut-tuts as I cackle madly. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Sometimes I think lines like this are written just for me. Long pause to let the Gay sink in and get to your bones. Yeah, let that Gay get on in there. Let that Gay work its magic. Gay is this show's Robitussin. Lex says that KentFan is smart and pretty. He hates her. Lex says that Clark tells her things she wants to hear. He wants to know what Clark did to make her feel this way. Yeah, Clark, unbreak Lex's heart! And then do whatever you did to Lex. Just as a demonstration. Clark moves his eyes around, all sexy. "You're making my point for me," says Lex. Would you like to touch his point, Clark? Would you? TOUCH IT! LOVE IT! Get the point, Clark! Clark's eyelids close a little, and it's the Second Gayest Look of the Episode. "So, what do I do now?" Clark asks desperately. He's between a rock hottie and a hard man. We don't wait for Lex's response: complete disrobing.

Instead, Clark knocks on a door. A not-unlike-Nasty Nell-looking woman answers. She's wearing an apron, and says, "You must be Clark. Come in." Teleportation Mom says that her daughter's not home right now. But she could be in like .5 seconds. She introduces Clark to her husband, a bearded bear of a man. Clark looks over and sees that KentFan has a ton of trophies and ribbons on the mantle. Mom says that their daughter has told them so much about Clark, and they're just thrilled. Teleportation Dad looks like his chest is going to burst and splatter tissue on that trophy rack. Mom is glad her daughter is dating such a nice young man. Clark says that's why he's there. He frowns and says he thinks KentFan may have the wrong idea. Strangely, Mom says she thinks Clark is mistaken. She wags a finger at him and says that Clark is her daughter's boyfriend. Clark tries to stop her, but Mom puts her hand on Clark's jacket and says that if KentFan says they're dating, Clark should just go along with it. Where was this Mom when I was dating as a teenager? Mom says her daughter is a "special girl." And she's Different. Dad looks worried. Clark says he knows about their daughter's ability. Clark asks how they stopped her from using it. Mom and Dad exchange a look. Dad says they kept her in a "Special Room." Mom says that KentFan begged them to let her out. Clark turns and uses his X-Ray vision. Ah yes. Special lead-lined room. Dad says they can't control where she goes or what she does. "Please, Clark," Mom implores. "Just try to go along with her." Clark backs away and asks them to let KentFan know he's looking for her. Dad stops Clark at the door and tells him the story of a boy KentFan liked before. He says, "It didn't end well." He advises Clark to be careful. Dad closes the door on Clark. Oh crap! She's standing right next to you! Scary music plays. "You shouldn't have said that, Daddy," KentFan tells him. Dad backs away and shits a brick right on the trophy display.

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