And we're back!
So much happened over the summer: the presidential election heated up to unbearable levels that make the skin burn and chafe; my kid started walking and watching the Noggin Channel 24/7, severely limiting my intake of life-giving DVDs of The Wire and life-taking reality television. And on this show, the two head honchos rode off into the Hollywood sunset, leaving four executive producers to take over in their stead. Four people in charge!? Why, that must mean the show will be twice as good, right? We shall see.
We open on the snowy side of a mountain as a helicopter flies nearby. The title says, "Arctic Tundra: Four Weeks Later." Arctic Tundra is a movie I would really like to see, preferably with Robert Downey Jr. reprising his role as Kirk Lazarus. It seems as if a small base has been set up out in the arctic: four identical barracks have been cut-and-pasted onto the landscape as the helicopter continues to fly by. Inside one of the barracks, somebody hasn't bothered to shovel the snow from the interior of the entrance. We see a pair of boots crushing the snow beneath. The camera pivots around the boots until we get a rear view of a woman's heinie. "Who's Regan?" the woman asks. The little girl from The Exorcist? She's Linda Blair! Regan, who is actually Lex's stony Number Two from last season, answers the call. We see the woman from the front and she's been eaten by Kenny's hooded coat from South Park. She's wearing sunglasses and her parka is so furry around her face it might be a giant Muppet's asshole. The woman asks Number Two what he's been doing all this time... building a snowman? That snowman is top secret! Whoops. I mean... that snowman is classified. Dammit! There is no snowman and I did not just reveal that it exists.
Squinting at the woman, Number Two asks who she thinks she is and tells her this site is off limits. Because out here in the middle of nowhere, people just wander in like it's a damn Vancouver TV show set. She removes her furry hood and sunglasses and shows off her red hair and freshly applied makeup. "Tess Mercer. My access is unrestricted." But is your booty unrestricted? Because, damn, Tess Mercer. You just made me forget all about Lex... uh... whatever his last name was. Lex Lupus? Lincoln? Lucifer? Number Two continues squinting. Perhaps he is snowblind. Tess reveals that upon written orders from Lex, she's now the acting CEO of LuthorCorp and all its subsidiaries. Yes, even the struggling CW Network, though no one would blame LuthorCorp if they dumped it. Number Two looks like he got punched in the gut and has to go Number Two. He calls her an obscure regional VP and asks if she thinks she's qualified. All right, we have an arctic setting, a hot MILFy lady and questions about her qualifications to be in charge of a large organization. Is there any doubt this is supposed to be a Sarah Palin gag? I just wonder how they snuck that in on such short notice. How fun would it be if the show suddenly became a giant political satire? "Lex believes it. That's all that matters," Tess says. That's why Lex has never mentioned her on the show in seven seasons. His faith was so unshakeable as to be completely silent.