Lois pretends to continue dusting. The camera pivots to show us an out-of-focus Tess Mercer standing behind her across the room. The camera focuses on her as she says, "You missed a spot." It's a big room. I bet she missed several. "Oui oui, Madame," says lame Frenchie Lois. Tess adds that the floors have lost their sheen. Also, the toilets are completely stopped up with feces, which is weird because nobody's been in the castle. Maybe it's ghost feces! Get on that, will you? Tess asks if Lois is getting lazy. Lois gives up the charade (or, as she might say in her silly French, the charade) and puts down the duster. There's not a speck of dust on it. Lois tries to cop attitude about Lex's "secretarial staff." "I'm as much a secretary as you are a French maid," Tess tells her. Tess is really giving Lois the once-over with her eyeballs. This is completely unexpected, but already we have a Gayest Look of the Episode. A French maid outfit will do that. Tess steps forward, trying not to slide on her own burning thigh sweats, and says she's pleased to meet the "intrepid reporter" Lois Lane. I think she only got that by combining the words "intractable" and "stupid." She reaches over to grab Lois's lacy collar. Whoah, this is hot! Al! Miles! Get in here! You're missing this! "So, you like to play dress up?" Tess asks. Boy, howdy! Yes! Say "Yes," Lois! Come on! Make this show worth watching again!
Lois looks Tess up and down, but not with the same naked lust. She asks whether Tess is Lex's "4 a.m. booty call." Lois knows a thing or two about that. Tess says she knows Lex gave Lois a lot of journalistic rope with which to hang herself (sadly, that never worked out), but that she's less patient. Lois says she's not there as a reporter. Oh, thank God. I was worried maybe our whole industry had just gone to shit. I was about to buy a chimney sweep costume to take to work on Monday. Lois says she's there because she's looking for her cousin, Chloe. Lois says Lex had Chloe arrested by the Department of Domestic Security, yet they have no record of Chloe. Lois wants access to Lex's phone records from that day. Ha. Good luck with that. Tess says that Lex is a firm (hey, she said Lex is "Firm!") believer in truth and justice, and that if he had Chloe arrested, she must be guilty. Lois says Chloe is only guilty of standing up for what she believes in. A blonde woman and dark-haired man show up to escort Lois out. Hey, nice French maid costume. Are you going to the "Lex Ain't Home" costume ball tonight? Got a date yet? "Hands off," Lois tells them. Tess advises Lois that next time she might want to try microfiber. Ah. Okay. Parting shot, then? You have a lot to learn, Miss Mercer. Lois is led out of the room. I think Lois has met her match in unwarranted ridiculousness.