Smallville
Onyx

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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Tag-team Lex

Fran Drescher is back! Hide your dogs with sensitive ears.

Hugest basement ever. You could have filmed all of The Aviator in this room, including the aerials. GoodLex, represented by Lex in a white shirt, panting on the floor as he's bound to a giant pillar, is not doing well. EvilLex, meanwhile, is living large like a fat kid. The lesser of the two evils looks up with tears in his eyes. Why oh why have I forsaken me? EvilLex says he can't have the other Lex running around. Walking. Skipping. Whatever. PansyLex asks who the other guy is. EvilLex sighs. He says that's a question he's been struggling with for years. EvilLex tells the story of the time "they" were told not to play down there, but EvilLex whispered in GoodLex's ear to do it anyway. "The door blew in, locking me in. No one could hear me," GoodLex says, sadly. EvilLex makes fun of the other one for being a scared, trembling child. He trembles for effect. "I hated you for that," he says. "My God. You're me," GoodLex says. Just because he's nice doesn't mean he has to be stupid, does it? EvilLex hunches down. "No, Lex. I'm much, much more." My God…he's made with minty Retsin! GoodLex, in hand shackles, props himself up to his feet. He's figured out this all had to do with the explosion in the lab. EvilLex says it freed him from his nice twin's weakness. He plans to embrace his true destiny: running a gay nightclub/tire repair shop called "The Rim's Job." GoodLex is mad he doesn't get to visit. He pulls himself against the chains, screaming at EvilLex. EvilLex eggs him on: "Come on! Come on!" He barks at GoodLex, daring him -- uh, "himself," to, er, stop him. These pronouns are all getting very confusing, people. EvilLex grabs GoodLex by the chin, roughly. Can you give yourself a Gayest Look of the Episode? I'll have to wait and see…this one's not quite it. EvilLex says he's disappointed in his better half. GoodLex asks why EvilLex doesn't just kill him if he's such a disappointment. EvilLex chuckles and says he'd love to, but he's not sure what would happen, metaphysically speaking. EvilLex plans to keep him down here indefinitely. He reminds GoodLex that nobody heard their screams when they were a child. EvilLex brings up that "Dumas" story, which he says was one of their favorites. Ah, The Man in the Iron Mask. EvilLex pulls out just such an iron mask and puts it on GoodLex. Dude, this is some seriously fucked-up shit right here. GoodLex struggles and screams. I don't blame him. EvilLex looks positively turned on. He's not attracted to himself, but he loves a man in a mask. He gives the iron contraption the true Gayest Look of the Episode. Referencing Louis the XIV, EvilLex takes the iron masked-man's head in his hands and says, "It's good to be the king." GoodLex struggles and screams against his chains as an airborne camera cranes down and ExilLex walks out of the room. EvilLex says he plans to show the world the real Lex Luthor. After four seasons? Nice of you to try.

Smallville High School. Where students go to learn. But mostly where they go to die. Clark walks in to the offices of The Torch. Chloe complains that he took too long to get there, especially since he's supposed to be a quarterback. "Ex-quarterback," Clark reminds her (and us). Clark asks if Chloe found out anything from Sinclair. She says no, because he's an ex-Sinclair. She says it was cardiac arrest in a guy with no history of heart problems. Yeah, but the guy was pretty old. And, you know, he had someone come in and kill him. Those are both pretty big risk factors. Clark plans to go tell Lex. Chloe says he should already know because he came out of Sinclair's room right before it happened. Clark finds that weird because he was with Lex the whole time. He says that's impossible. "Not in Smallville," Chloe says, "you of all people should know that." Clark gives her a weird look. She stammers that she meant it in reference to all the strange things he's seen in town. Chloe starts to hack into the hospital's security system, which she says slyly she's never done before because "that would be wrong." Clark nods, getting the cut of her T-bone steak of privacy invasion. She says it'll take a while. Clark leaves.

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