Smallville
Onyx

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Tag-team Lex

Lana arrives at her Talon apartment carrying a single bag of groceries. She finds Lex sitting on her couch. Lana does a double-take. She asks what he's doing there. Lex (the evil one) says he got a phone messages from her. "So you just let yourself in?" she asks, sounding playful when she should really be creeped out and pissed off. "My bad," says Lex, hilariously, "would you like me to go?" Lana, sporting middle-aged soccer mom hair, says it's fine, she's just surprised. Lex says he's been doing that to a lot of people lately. Lex stands up and takes Lana's groceries as she continues to look pleasingly puzzled. Lana says she wanted to talk to Lex about Jason. "Oh," he says glumly, looking away from her, "him." Lana says "um" several times as she thanks Lex for the info he's already given her on Jason and his mom. She starts to ask what he thinks about something, but EvilLex interrupts: "What I think, Lana, is you deserve better." Lana wasn't expecting that. So she acts blankly. Lex circles around a table and tells her she deserves someone who understands how extraordinary she is. Even Lana doesn't believe that nonsense. EvilLex puts a hand on her shoulder. A goose. It just walked over my grave. EvilLex strokes Lana's cheek and she recoils before it even gets there. She asks what he's doing. "What I've always wanted to," he says. Noooooooo! That's it. Who needs a beer? We're trying, Smallville. We're trying really, really hard to keep liking you. But this shit? It will not stand. Do you hear me, gentlemen? This will. Not! Stand! Then it gets 1,000 times worse as Lex suddenly kisses her. Fucking ew. She pushes him away and slaps him hard in one motion. That was much more satisfying than the kiss. She backs away, frightened. "Well, I do like them feisty," Lex says calmly. Where's her witch powers now? Lana, near tears, tells EvilLex to get out of her apartment. Lex says that's fine if that's how she wants to play it. By the way, he mentions in passing, he's closing the Talon. Lana tells him he can't do that. Lex closes the door he was about to exit and says, "Hmmm…I think I can." Lana asks where she's supposed to go. Not, "Hey, that'll put a lot of people out of work." Lex says it's up to her. He offers that she can live like a queen by his side or get thrown out with the garbage. Couldn't she live with Chloe, or the Kents, or even Jason on a temporary basis? She certainly is no warrior princess here, is she? EvilLex offers her time to think about it. He gives her a dirty up-and-down look and says, "I know I will." I have no idea what he's looking at, but it sure can't be Lana's pre-teen wares. Lex leaves and Lana looks nauseous. Which is how we all feel after that scene.

Lair of Lex. Bright sunlight blazes through the windows as two people fence. It's sort of the same exact motion back and forth, isn't it? Just then, Papa Luthor, rocking the polo shirt, bursts in. "Lex!" he shouts. One of the fencers, Lex's blonde sparring partner, turns to see who it is and gets poked by a relentless EvilLex. Loser! Papa Luthor asks what the hell he's doing. "Seizing the moment, Dad," EvilLex answers. EvilLex offers more sparring, same time tomorrow. Blondy is juiced just to hear that. She purses her lips and walks away. As she passes, EvilLex gives her a whomping slap on the ass. She keeps on walking. Livin' large, I say! His buzz is harshed upon by an unhappy Papa Luthor. "What's your problem with me this time, old man?" he asks, annoyed. Papa Luthor is angry because Lex offered to host his charity event, then cancelled the whole thing behind his back. "Why would you do that?" he asks. Opening a classic blu botol water, EvilLex mocks his daddy: "Because helping those who can't help themselves is a waste of time," he says in a gruff faux Papa Luthor voice. EvilLex gulps down that bottle. Yowza. Papa Luthor says people change. EvilLex says people get soft, the way Papa Luthor has. EvilLex offers to let the event go on and to make a contribution himself. Papa Luthor asks what's the catch. Lex draws some foils and tosses one to Papa Luthor. EvilLex asks Papa to prove he's worthy of being his father. "Are you insane, Lex?!" Papa Luthor cries. He's seriously about to lose it, emotionally. Lex says he's just curious. Papa starts to say he won't fight but, whups, he's fighting as Lex sneak-attacks.

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