I'm only going to say this once (if I can help it), so I can just get it out there before I soften up mid-recap: this episode? Was bullshit. Thanks for listening.
A rare set of "Previously"s are shown. Clark fell in love, sorta, and gets married. Lana confronted Jason about his abrupt break-up. Lex was...is Lex still on this show?
This week's episode opens with what's ordinarily one of my favorite pastimes, karaoke! Oh, sweet, sweet karaoke. On a small stage at The Talon, Lois and Chloe are singing Joan Jett's "I Love Rock n' Roll." There's no goofy video to go with it. The lyrics appear on a simple blue screen that's awkwardly facing the audience so that we can see it. Wow, Lois has aged about ten years since we saw her last, when she already looked ten years too old to be hanging out with this gang. She and Chloe (who sports short and unflippy hair this week) grind and move their chests around as the camera swoops around them as if it were a Metallica concert instead of, say, middling karaoke at The Talon. Chloe lets out a very good "Wowwwww!" at the appropriate moment. In the audience, Jason is sipping a beverage while Lana laughs. Thank your lucky stars it's not her up there. Chloe and Lana sort of stumble over the next lyrics, and Lois tries to play it off by pointing to guy in the front row who's watching and saying, "You. Right there." Oh, the karaoke ad-lib. I know it so well. The best one I've ever done was when I did "You Can't Touch This" at a karaoke bar with a nacho spread laid out. Some kid was grabbing a nacho and I yelled, "You can't touch that!" I think he cried. The guy in the Talon audience, who looks pale and hairy like a scarecrow off the pole, smiles uncomfortably. Chloe and Lois get to the part of the song that goes, "Can I take you home/ where we can be alone?" Whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah. Bystanders are dancing through their shock. One extra looks like he's trying to do the robot like on Chappelle's Show. Scarecrow tries to have fun, but it doesn't work.
More swooping camera work. The song's almost over. Clark and KentFan walk in from the back. Lana and Jason turn. Lois and Chloe suddenly stop singing. Lois purses her lips at the couple. The music inexplicably fades. "First he marries the girl, now he's dating her?" says a bitchy Lois very clearly, as the microphone picks up her words, and then screeches. KentFan looks hurt. The place is dead silent, save some murmuring. "That was subtle, Lois," Chloe says. "Good." Yeah, you tell her. All the extras are acting like KentFan raped their tender asses with an industrial digger. Robot Guy is now Thoughtful Mob Guy. More awkward stares. Clark gives Lois the Blue Steel Look of Male Model Hatred. Lana looks around for approval, and when it's clear that the world still prefers her over all other women who have ever existed, she tells Jason, "I've seen enough for one night," and walks off. But you haven't seen somebody do The Proclaimers' "One Thousand Miles" or my version of "Lady"! Come back! Wait a minute, it's Lana. Go! Far away! KentFan goes after Lana, asking her to wait. KentFan apologizes. "For what?" Lana asks. "Trying to kill me, or not succeeding?" In her wee baby voice, KentFana says she just wants a chance to prove who she really is. "You already have," says Lana, harshly. Jason comes up and gives KentFan a dirty look as Lana goes up to her room. Clark comes up, too. "I can't believe you brought her here," says Jason, in an uncharacteristically douche-ish way. Jason tells Clark that just because KentFan says she's better doesn't make it so. In the middle of that, KentFan scurries off. "Come on, man," Jason says, to punctuate his point. "No, seriously, come on, Clark. I gotta go remove Lana's chastity belt and I could use your super-strength." Long close-up on Clark.