Episode Report Card
Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
KentFan: The Killening

The Talon, later that night. Lana has taken her stake in The Talon and invested it in The Yankee Candle Company. She lights about ten of their candles in preparation for a shower. She locks the door and turns the lights down low for herself. Oh. It's one of those showers. I see. Well, it's good she installed that massaging shower head. Jason, in the room, is studying Advanced Anatomy. Chapter 12: Methods of Relieving Scrotal Pressure as Caused by Living, but not Having Sex With, an Eighteen-Year-Old Preternaturally Pretty Ingénue. In the shower, Lana is filming an Herbal Essence commercial. Outside the door, we get a keyhole-view of Lana's body double's silhouette in the shower. Who still has keyholes you can see through like that? Something brown and grainy whooshes through it. Lana stops in the shower, having heard something. A breeze blows against the dozens of candles. Lana's like, "La la la...if I stop being sexy, they might throw me off the show. Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! Mmm, oily Jonathan Taylor Thomas!" Lana's silhouette, as seen from outside the shower, is apparently trying to take the form of a duck by contortioning its back. Something approaches the nearly clear shower curtain. The curtain is roughly pulled to the side, wrapping against Lana's face. Her mouth is open, so the curtain catches her in an exaggerated fish-mouth scream. (Which is not at all muffled by the airtight curtain on her mouth, but whatever.) Lana seriously looks like Mr. Bill here. And I don't think that's really her mouth. Something weird's going on with that. The curtain perpetrator is trying to suffocate her with the curtain. Lana falls in the shower. Just outside the door, Jason calls out for her. Dude, look through the keyhole! Instead, his scrawny white ass breaks open the door. The camera zooms in on his look of horror. Jason sees a girl's body. plaaaaastic. Jason shuts off the shower and pulls Lana's slack body upright. This is the most naked he's ever seen her. "Can you hear me?" he asks. Her head lolls around. She's awake, but not really. It's almost like when Lana tries to emote when she's standing upright. We go to opening credits.

Commercials. What I Like About You. Mostly, that I don't watch you.

Smallville Medical Center. It's lit up at night, and painted so many colors that some in the town think they only treat Lego people there. In an exam room, Lana and Jason are with a doctor. Just outside the room, Chloe and Lois wait. Clark shows up. Clark asks about Lana. Chloe says she's all right; Jason pulled a T.J. Hooker and broke the door down. I thought a T.J. Hooker was when you rode on the hood of a car. (Oh, Al and Miles; you should know better.) Lois says that the assailant flew the coop. "So," Lois says in the most grating tone possible. "Have they arrested your arm ornament yet?" I really wish Clark had Super Slapping ability right now. Instead, Clark says, "Wuh?" Chloe, who has on a lot of makeup right now, says that Sheriff Cheshire was around and was asking lots of questions about Lana's being attacked in a locked room. Lois says that KentFan's name came up more than once in a "bunny boiler" kind of way. All right, everybody here is supposed to be around eighteen to twenty-two years old right? Why are they making references that people ten years older would find dated? P.S. I hate Lois. She's so snide and annoying in this episode. What happened?

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