Outside, Jason goes to his car, which is waiting in the back alley. He beeps his car alarm and gets in. The warning music of impending mischief plays. Jason checks his rear-view, even though he's sitting still in an alley. He puts the key in the ignition. Mafia explosion! No, not really. The rear-view suddenly gets skewed, and some dice hanging from it are swinging. He re-adjusts the mirror. Turns on the car. Urp! Something behind Jason is choking him. Jason starts honking the horn as he struggles against an invisible assailant. The choking. The honking. Clark superzips down the alley and comes to the car. He smashes through the window. The pastel scarf around Jason's neck, which was choking him, goes slack. Jason rubs his neck as the attack concludes. We peek down at the rear car door, where a brown dust slips through the crack. Commercials.
I wonder if Catherine Zeta-Jones gets unlimited free peak minutes on her cell phone. These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.
Smallville Medical Center. I imagine myself choking on a Cheeto someday while recapping a scene set at this location. Jason is zipping up his wussy shirt in an exam room as his mother, the very comely Jane Seymour, enters. She's wearing a fur-lined top borrowed from Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. She kisses Jason on the cheek and says she came to see if he was all right. He's not at all happy to see his mom. She brought her own doctor. Jason says he's been hurt worse in football. She talks trash about Lana for not being there. (And pronounces it "gallfriend" as if suggesting that the girl is a friend comprised mostly of gall.) Jane Seymour says she's worried about the path Jason is heading down. The one with all the choking. He suggests again that she arranged his meeting Lana. She asks how anyone could arrange for two people to meet and fall in love in Paris. Oh, I think Nora Ephron could do it. Lana comes through the door. Jane puts her son on the spot, telling Lana that they were just talking about her. Jane asks Lana if she really believes that MamaSeymour used some mysterious powers to get Jason and Lana to meet in Paris. This storyline? Absolutely riveting, guys. Kudos to the writers for making me miss my days of recapping Third Watch. MamaSeymour asks what Lana thinks of that. Jason tells Lana she doesn't have to answer. "I think she already has," Jane says, at Lana's dumbfounded look. Naw, lady. She looks like that all the time. Jane comes forward and says regally that she can be overprotective and overbearing when it comes to the women in her son's life, but she insists she had nothing to do with getting the two of them together. Jason tries to interrupt, but is unsuccessful. Jane Seymour says that Lana should be asking herself why her boyfriend would blame their meeting on his mother. Well, played, Jane Seymour. Well played.