Welcome back, lovers of pain! Lana and Bizarro Clark are apparently getting along fabulously, because they're in bed naked together, and instead of being all evil, Bizarro Clark just wants to stare at Lana and take her to Paris and make pancakes. Lana is apparently the ultimate rehabilitation for evil space criminals. Bizarro takes time out from living under the whip to track down Milton SoFine/Braniac, who is living in the slums, barely surviving in his diminished physical state. It's squalid living, but robot's gotta eat, right? Wait. Robots don't eat! Professor SoFine tells deep-voiced Bizarro Clark about yet another Kryptonian living on Earth. This one is named Dax-Ur; he's a scientist who came to Earth a long time ago and thought about saving the world, but now hangs out in Arizona repairing cars. Bizarro finds out that he can track down Dax-Ur by using a Kryptonian crest Clark found last year. Bizarro blows his cover trying to get Chloe to help him find the crest. Chloe, suspicious, goes to Lana and tells her she thinks something's off about Clark. Lana's like, "He must be Clark because, like every other great man in the universe, he totally adores me! Step off, bitch!" Clark and Lana tell Chloe that they're leaving Smallville together, which sounds fantastic on paper. Not so much in execution when the show is called Smallville. Bizarro Clark makes an ill-conceived trip to the Fortress, pissing off Jarnelle, who frees Clark from the Interstellar Frozen Block of Putting Your Kid in Time-Out. Clark finds out what crazy shit's been going on and learns that blue Kryptonite is the key to defeating Bizarro. Clark finds Dax-Ur, who is living like a normal human with a nice family and wears a chunky, ass-ugly blue Kryptonite bracelet. You're a genius scientist and engineer, but you can't make a decent-looking piece of jewelry? Lana and Clark confront Bizarro. Lana uses the blue Kryptonite to defeat him, but not before saying that she was more in love with the evil version of Clark than she's ever been with anyone else. Oops. That makes things pretty damned awkward when Lana and Clark have to try to share the same bed later. Meanwhile, on what seems like a whole other show, Boy Editor Clone goes to Papa Luthor and the two of them decide to let cloning bygones be bygones and go play father-son catch or something. Lex really hates this idea and takes it as a betrayal. In addition to laying down some layoffs at the Daily Planet, Lex fires Boy Editor. Boy Editor tells Lex to piss off, and goes off for a great steak dinner with Papa Luthor. It'll be his last. A supposed mugger holds up the two men and shoots Boy Editor until he's good and dead. The mugger text-messages Lex, "Job done." Lex walks out into the rain and pretends he's in a dramatic music video. Oh, the angst. Braniac pays a little visit to Dax-Ur, the scientist who helped to create him. Braniac wants Dax-Ur to fix whatever's wrong with him. Instead of getting up on the car-lift, Braniac stabs Dax-Ur in the brain and steals his knowledge. This is how, sadly, a space droid has become the most interesting person on this show.
Welcome back, cheese lovers! I have no idea how many episodes are left this season due to the strike, but it's looking like five or six. I'm trying to pace myself. You know, like drinking plenty of Gatorade, doing finger stretches, investing in a (very expensive) recapping pace car. It's just tough when you can't see the finish line. Nevertheless, I am all hydrated and finger-stretched. (I practiced on your mom. Ha! Just kidding. Your mom and I stopped dating months ago.) Ready pace car? ("Ready!") Let's see how this season gets wrapped up, shall we?
Spooky music plays as we start with a daytime establishing shot of Kynt Farm. The camera creeps sideways along the fence, as if it's sneaking some secret shots of sexy corn to post online. We cut to a bedroom, where some nice curtains with a ring pattern have been put up. Across the room, some flowers sit on a nightstand. Well, we can tell that Clark's not the one doing the decorating around here anymore. Who knew it would take getting him frozen in a block of ice to get some decent Target-grade housewares up in this farmhouse? Lying in bed are Lana and Bizarro Clark. Bizarro Clark has given up this whole crazy "be a supervillain" scheme. He sits on his side, gazing at sleeping Lana adoringly, doing that thing you do when you just start dating someone and you ask her, in completely earnestness, "No, what do you want to do today? Because I'm totally cool with just lying in bed and giving you a foot rub all day." It's disgusting. Bizarro Clark is shirtless. Nice boobies, Bizarro.
Lana wakes up, the sun bathing her preternatural face. She tells him, "Hi!" Why did I just sense a disturbance in the force that could only be caused by Al and Miles high-five-ing each other? Bizarro says that he just wants to remember this moment. He doesn't add, "...before I kill everyone." Lana says, "This should help." She leans over to kiss him. We cut to an overhead shot of the lovers in bed, as if this were a mattress ad. Bizarro's sleep number, by the way, is 666. Bizarro saysthat they should go somewhere. Like, you mean, the bathroom, to go brush away your stank-ass breath? "Why? I'm happy right here," says Lana, smiling big-time. Bizarro says that they should leave town and see all the places Lana ever dreamed of. You mean all the places she was dreaming of when she was living in Paris or hiding out in Shanghai? Did nobody fill Bizarro Clark in that Lana was married to a jetsetting gazillionaire? Clark suggests that they go to Paris and have breakfast at the Eiffel Tower. "Yeah, right!" Lana says, as if she didn't already do that a few dozen times. Bizarro says that he'll fly Lana there himself. Lana reminds him that flying isn't one of his powers. Bizarro smiles: "You make me feel like I can fly." Get a hold of yourself, Bizarro! You're a bad guy! Fucking act like it! I can't believe that it is now Superman canon that Lana Lang's vagina can cure pure evil. Lana says that she'd better go: she has a meeting at the foundation. She promises to make s special dinner. "Our very own Paris," she says. You'll be enjoying French...fries! And French...dressing! Also, French...bread! Oh, it's so damned Parisian! Bizarro lies there as Lana goes, naked, to the window. She opens the curtains, giving the cows an eyeful. They say, "Moo?" Bizarro freaks a bit as the sun hits him and shows off the stony secret lines in his face. No, I'm a young actor, dammit, not a fossil! Lana says that she didn't remember what the sun looked like. Bizarro says that it's got nothing on her, and asks her to close the curtains and come back to bed. Lana figures that she could spare a few minutes. She goes back and joins him. "I love you, Clark Kynt," she says as the two of them start kissing. It's so wrong, it's right!
Opening credits. Commercials. The Macbook Air is so skinny it's making my Macbook feel a little self-conscious. There, there, Macbook. I love you for your brains, now your shiny exterior.