Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | 1 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Stone Face/Off
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Welcome back, cheese lovers! I have no idea how many episodes are left this season due to the strike, but it's looking like five or six. I'm trying to pace myself. You know, like drinking plenty of Gatorade, doing finger stretches, investing in a (very expensive) recapping pace car. It's just tough when you can't see the finish line. Nevertheless, I am all hydrated and finger-stretched. (I practiced on your mom. Ha! Just kidding. Your mom and I stopped dating months ago.) Ready pace car? ("Ready!") Let's see how this season gets wrapped up, shall we?

Spooky music plays as we start with a daytime establishing shot of Kynt Farm. The camera creeps sideways along the fence, as if it's sneaking some secret shots of sexy corn to post online. We cut to a bedroom, where some nice curtains with a ring pattern have been put up. Across the room, some flowers sit on a nightstand. Well, we can tell that Clark's not the one doing the decorating around here anymore. Who knew it would take getting him frozen in a block of ice to get some decent Target-grade housewares up in this farmhouse? Lying in bed are Lana and Bizarro Clark. Bizarro Clark has given up this whole crazy "be a supervillain" scheme. He sits on his side, gazing at sleeping Lana adoringly, doing that thing you do when you just start dating someone and you ask her, in completely earnestness, "No, what do you want to do today? Because I'm totally cool with just lying in bed and giving you a foot rub all day." It's disgusting. Bizarro Clark is shirtless. Nice boobies, Bizarro.

Lana wakes up, the sun bathing her preternatural face. She tells him, "Hi!" Why did I just sense a disturbance in the force that could only be caused by Al and Miles high-five-ing each other? Bizarro says that he just wants to remember this moment. He doesn't add, "...before I kill everyone." Lana says, "This should help." She leans over to kiss him. We cut to an overhead shot of the lovers in bed, as if this were a mattress ad. Bizarro's sleep number, by the way, is 666. Bizarro saysthat they should go somewhere. Like, you mean, the bathroom, to go brush away your stank-ass breath? "Why? I'm happy right here," says Lana, smiling big-time. Bizarro says that they should leave town and see all the places Lana ever dreamed of. You mean all the places she was dreaming of when she was living in Paris or hiding out in Shanghai? Did nobody fill Bizarro Clark in that Lana was married to a jetsetting gazillionaire? Clark suggests that they go to Paris and have breakfast at the Eiffel Tower. "Yeah, right!" Lana says, as if she didn't already do that a few dozen times. Bizarro says that he'll fly Lana there himself. Lana reminds him that flying isn't one of his powers. Bizarro smiles: "You make me feel like I can fly." Get a hold of yourself, Bizarro! You're a bad guy! Fucking act like it! I can't believe that it is now Superman canon that Lana Lang's vagina can cure pure evil. Lana says that she'd better go: she has a meeting at the foundation. She promises to make s special dinner. "Our very own Paris," she says. You'll be enjoying French...fries! And French...dressing! Also, French...bread! Oh, it's so damned Parisian! Bizarro lies there as Lana goes, naked, to the window. She opens the curtains, giving the cows an eyeful. They say, "Moo?" Bizarro freaks a bit as the sun hits him and shows off the stony secret lines in his face. No, I'm a young actor, dammit, not a fossil! Lana says that she didn't remember what the sun looked like. Bizarro says that it's got nothing on her, and asks her to close the curtains and come back to bed. Lana figures that she could spare a few minutes. She goes back and joins him. "I love you, Clark Kynt," she says as the two of them start kissing. It's so wrong, it's right!

Opening credits. Commercials. The Macbook Air is so skinny it's making my Macbook feel a little self-conscious. There, there, Macbook. I love you for your brains, now your shiny exterior.

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Smallville

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