Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | 1 USERS: B-
Stone Face/Off

LuthorCorp. We don't get an exterior shot, but the metallic hallways are enough to tip us off. Boy Editor, nervous, is about to enter one of the main offices. He hesitates, and then walks in, holding some papers in his hand; it's Papa Luthor's office space. Papa, standing behind his desk and barely looking up from his own set of papers and laptop, thinks Boy Editor is there to complain about Lex's acquisition of The Daily Planet. Boy Editor says it's something a little more personal. He less-than-dramatically puts his folder on the desk and says that it's about paternity. Papa Luthor got him pregnant? Papa Luthor, bemused and a little annoyed, says that he's dealt with "nuisances" like this before, but not from an editor. Papa checks his watch and says that he's late to a meeting. He goes to put on his coat at Boy Editor says he's not above embellishing a story (he's not? Nice job, editor), but that he couldn't cook up something like this himself. He asks Papa Luthor what he'd say if he knew that Boy Editor only exists because Lex missed his baby brother. That stops Papa. Boy Editor hands him the paternity information, which didn't last very long on the desk. Papa flips through the papers. Boy Editor says that the DNA came from the cord blood of Papa's dead son. "Lex created a carbon copy," Boy Editor says. A carbon-based copy? "Call me Julian, Dad," he says. Boy Editor gives a tiresome speech about how he's risking his life just being here and that he's in control of his life now. Call Oprah, why don't you? Papa Luthor warms up to this brave, foolish youngster. "If you've got a problem with me, let's settle it now," says Julian 2: The Boring. Instead, Papa Luthor gets up close and says that, if they're truly flesh and blood, he'd like to get to know him, calling him "son." Aw.

The Isis Foundation. Let us revel at the ridiculousness of Lana Lang at a desk trying to look busy. She's looking through some Metropolis Police reports. Bizarro enters through the double doors and says, "Hey, beautiful." Lana tells him that another homeless man was murdered. She says that makes seven in the last two weeks. Maybe the killer was just going for a lucky number. Lana's energy-wasting computer room opens up. She says that the police think it's a serial killer (what would give them that idea?), but that she thinks it might be Clark's Kryptonian computer. Bizarro tells her it's called "Brainiac." Lana says that all the homeless victims were stripped of their trace metals, like the victim from Lex's lab. Bizarro, with no reason to share this information with Lana except that he's in luuuuurve, says that Brainiac must be regenerating using these metals. Why not just buy a bunch of screws at Home Depot, then? Lana has somehow figured out that the seemingly random deaths point to a central location in Suicide Slums. Bizarro says that he's impressed. Lana says, unnecessarily, that Chloe's not the only one who knows her way around a computer. Oh, just shut up and be pretty. Bizarro puts a hand on her face and asks what he'd do without her. First Zod falls in love with Lana, now Bizarro? Is Brainiac next? Hey, I have an awesome idea, Al and Miles. Let's introduce Doomsday, but instead of being evil, he falls in love with Lana! I'm a fucking genius! I just wrote Season 8! Please mail your payment for my writing services to NBC Universal, in care of this website.

Suicide Slums. Typical shots of bums gathered around flaming oil cans and drinking liquor from clear bottles. Bizarro Clark, who is unlucky enough to share Clark's red/blue fashion sense, looks around. We see a rat on the ground. Somebody picks it up. It's Professor SoFine -- looking NotSoFine these days. He's dressed in rags. NotSoFine turns his finger into a metal spike and points it at the rat, draining the rat's energy. You mean to tell me that homeboy can't just walk into a grocery story and steal all the steaks and PowerBars he needs? This is super lame, guys. He's one dumb-ass robot. On the other hand, it's nice to have James Marsters back, so I'm not going to complain too much. He drops the limp, dead rat. Hey, that rat could have gone on to be a world-class chef! Bizarro finds this sorry scene and, gleefully, notes that Brainiac has fallen far from his ivory tower. NotSoFine, looking pretty torn up about the face, knows that this isn't Kal-El. Bizarro says that he's the new and improved version. NotSoFine calls him a failed lab experiment dressed up in a Kryptonian body. So what are you, then, Brainiac? NotSoFine asks where the "Boy Scout" went. Bizarro says he's not sure, but that Clark's Martian friend captured him, and then he managed to escape. Bizarro Clark circles around as NotSoFine stands by a fire. He says he's decided to step into Clark's shoes, and that they fit perfectly. NotSoFine asks how Clark will react when he comes home and finds Bizarro in bed with his girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa, NotSoFine. Have you been spying, or something? Bizarro thinks he's long gone. Bizarro, his voice all low and muddy, says that his skin still turns to stone when he's under the sun. He thinks someone will figure out that he's not Clark. Ya think? He wonders if NotSoFine can help. "Try a good sunscreen," NotSoFine advises. He also suggests a wide-brimmed hat. Hee.

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