Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: C+ | Grade It Now!
Not Based on the Novel by Jane Austen

...the Kent barn, where Clark is racing up the steps up in a panic. He stops when he sees Lois sitting on the floor in front of a mirror, mascara streaking her face. She's sniffling and sobbing as she clutches Clark's old football jersey to her chest. Her neat updo has been undone in waves of despair. Again, I ask: Whose idea of "traditional" is this? "What's the emergency?" he asks. "Oh, um, f-false alarm," she blubbers. He approaches her with great caution. Man, she is a veritable ball of snot. "You seem kind of...?" Clark can't quite find the right word, so Lois finishes for him: "Kind of pathetic." She stands up and rips off her pearls and apron, blubbering all the while about what a joke it all is. "You're not yourself right now," Clark says, comically horrified. She just cries harder. "Chloe was right to protect you from me," she sniffs. Clark thinks Chloe's just overprotective sometimes, but Lois thinks she was right this time. "She said that I was gonna wreck us, and she's right," Lois says. She cries that doesn't know anything about family time or home-cooked meals. Or waterproof mascara, for that matter. Clark comforts her by saying he's glad she's opening up to him, but there's something else going on here. Man, just tell her the truth, jerkface! Lois sniffles and grows calmer. "I've made a fool of myself long enough," she says with a catch in her voice. It hurts her too much to be around Clark. "I have to leave you." She packs up her suitcase and starts down the stairs. But this is her home, Clark protests. "No, a home is for real," she says. "For always and forever." He takes a breath and promises her they'll be together. "Always." "Do you mean it?" she asks. He does. She drops her suitcase and goes to kiss him. She's all smiles as she lays her cheek against his chest. "I guess we can move my stuff out of the guest room now," she sighs. Clark looks worried.

Watchtower. Clark arrives to find all the computers have gone haywire. An alarm drones and red lights flash. Emil is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, but he's glad to see Clark: "For some reason, Chloe's shut me out of all Watchtower's systems!" Clark is sympathetic, but he's got his own problems to deal with right now. "Do you know where Chloe is?" "She's gone," Emil snits. He keeps fiddling with the computers to no avail, growing increasingly agitated with every firewall he encounters. "I want you to calm down," Clark says. "Just relax for once!" Upon hearing the magic words, Emil immediately starts to mellow out. He undoes his tie and takes off his glasses. Clark calls out to him. Emil gives a lazy shrug and turns away from the computer. "Whatevs -- this place goes nuclear, it is not my problem." He starts stripping off his jacket. Bow-chikka-bow-bow! Clark, realizing he's accidentally mind-whammied him, says, "I want you to go back to the way you were." It doesn't seem to work that way, though. Emil grabs himself a beer from the fridge and starts lazing around like a cleaner-looking version of Matthew McConaughey. Clark tries to get him to focus long enough to help him with his new "meteor rock" problem. Emil thinks about it for a while and thinks Clark's hypnosis would be great with the ladies. Ew. "How do I stop putting people in hypnotic trances?" Clark asks. Emil thinks he doesn't need to stop it. "Maybe you just need to chill." Clark rolls his eyes. "Come on, there's gotta be something out there you're after." Clark frowns as a decrepit old hamster starts turning the rusty wheel in his brain. He fishes Jor-El's Kryptonian tag from his pocket and stares at it meaningfully. He whooshes away. If he'd stuck around any longer, Emil probably would have gotten down to his socks and boxers.

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