Commercials. The Jack In The Box ball/CEO grew a beard. Disturbing...

Kent Farm windmill. The cows have already wrapped for the season. The Barnness Of Softlightitude. Lana is standing there, looking sad, her hair bathed in golden light. Why wouldn't there be another barn scene in the finale? They've done everything else they could to drive off viewers. Clark, wearing the red jacket, comes to the top of the stairs and finds her there. She turns. "I'm leaving Lex," she announces. Leaving him...some chocolates? Receipts for your joint tax return? Because last time you said this, it really didn't happen, so you'll forgive us for being skeptical. Clark, goofy, smiles. He says he knows he's supposed to say he's sorry, but that he can't. Marriage is for suckers, Clark thinks. Let's break a few vows, baby. Lana, wearing a weird, loose white top with a ribbon of fabric hanging down the front, says she came to say goodbye. To any semblance of fashion sense. Lana says that Lex is going to be very angry and that it's too dangerous here. She has to skip town. Why not go to D.C. with MamaKent? Clark says she doesn't have to be afraid of Lex. "I can protect you from anything," he says. Lana half-smiles. She steps forward and puts her hands on his belly. "You can't this time," she says. Lana says she's sorry.

The ethereal music of "Omg, this is the greatest love story evah, Clana, CLANA, CLANAAAAA!" begins to play. Lana says she's sorry. "Just know that I will always love you," she whispers. Cue theme from The Bodyguard. Clark squints his eyes like, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!?" Without a hug, Lana abruptly walks away and down the stairs. Clark watches her go, thinking, "Well, glad that's all over with. I can finally get on with my chores and my alone time and hanging around with Lois and -- oh, shit, COME BACK!" He superzips past her, down the stairs, to stand in her way. He says he can't lose her again. Clark wants to tell her the truth about himself. Lana says she already knows about his powers. Yes, but do you know about The Gay? Clark steels himself. "There's more," he says. "I'm from another planet," he says. Planet Lamewad in the Milky Sauce Galaxy. Angry Pant Crabs Nebula. Lana looks at him in wonder. Clark says it's called Krypton. Don't wear it out. It's light years away, and his parents sent him here to save his life, just before it was destroyed. Lana tears up. She gulps, sadly. "Lana, please say something," Clark says. She steps forward. And kisses him gently. They make out as she holds the sides of his neck in her hands. She smiles at him. I guess this would be a bad time to bring up the fact that his broken planet is what turned her parents into The International Parents Of Pancakes (IPOP). Lana says he's still the same Clark Kent to her. Now, remind me why this conversation couldn't have happened four seasons ago? Clark is relieved. He says there's no reason for her to go. "We can be together now," he says. "You'd be safe." Yeah, about that...Lana says that Clark wouldn't be safe. She says he has a weakness. Chocolate? Clark asks how she knows that. She walks past him to look at an interesting part of the wall in the barn. He asks if someone told her that. He thinks it was Papa Luthor. Lana gulps, looking nauseous. Lana turns back to him, but she doesn't answer. Forcefully, Clark says she needs to tell him everything she knows. It won't be a long conversation. Lana, blinking rapidly, looks sad and guilty. She says Papa Luthor threatened to kill Clark if she didn't marry Lex. "Boom" goes the dynamite! Clark, hurt, hugs Lana. There, there, little squirrel.