The last Phantom Zoner is kicking it in Quebec, where Martian Manhunter goes and hunts it down. It looks like an exorcism, but Manhunter gets the bad end of the fight when the creature wounds him and jumps out of its current body to go inhabit some other human. Lex and crew try to capture the beast, but it gets away. Lana tells Clark that she's leaving Lex. She plans to go into hiding. Clark, in an effort to keep her around, tells her the rest of his secret: that he's a space alien. Lana thinks that's totally hot and kisses him. He neglects to mention how his meteor shower pancaked her parents. Whoops! Spoiler! Lana reveals that she married Lex to protect Clark from Papa Luthor. Clark confronts Papa Luthor, but finds out that Papa really was trying to protect him by getting Lana to spy on Lex to get info that could help them to get rid of the last Phantom Zoner. Martian Manhunter shows up and confirms this. Papa is Jarnelle's "Emissary." That's what was up with all that Kryptonian symbol scribbling. The Clark/Papa feud is quashed. MamaKent heads to Washington with a goodbye scene that doesn't really do her justice. Lois tries to figure out what the sequence of numbers Wes Keenan was saying last week meant. Were they an HD-DVD hack? Lottery ticket numbers from Lost? Turns out it was coordinates for the Project Ares headquarters. Lois heads out there. Lana tells Lex she's outtie. He takes it badly. Lana confronts him about the fake baby ordeal, but Lex denies that he did anything. Lana tells him that she loves Clark more than she'll ever love him. That one stings a bit. Papa Luthor tries to find Lana before she heads out of town, but arrives just in time to see Lana enter her SUV as it blows up. It looks really staged and fake, so we must prepare ourselves for the possibility that Lana isn't dead, but just hibernating in a tree for the summer. Papa tells Clark the news. Clark is upset, but not so devastated that he can't find time to go give Lex an ass-kicking. Lois tries to infiltrate the Project Ares base, but gets stabbed in the gut by a guard. Chloe finds her there, already dead. Chloe cradles her and cries. A single tear from Chloe lands on Lois's forehead and heals her in a shining white light. Unfortunately, it appears to kill Chloe. When Lois wakes up, Chloe is sitting next to her, lifeless. Lex is able to capture the Phantom Zoner: the monster is in the body of a little boy. The little boy gets loose and kills Number One. Lex abandons the lab, all but salting and peppering Mr. Science to feed the hungry PhantomChild. By the way: doing the evil-kid thing was way cheesy here. Lex finds Clark as he's trying to escape. Lex doesn't know, or pretends not to know, about Lana's death. He goes outside and is surrounded by police, and gets arrested for the murder of Lana Luthor. Clark fights the phantom. The phantom grabs a piece of Clark's DNA and uses it to become a copy of him. It's Bizarro Clark, according to the dark-clad version of Tom Welling. Papa Luthor tries to save the day with some Kryptonite, but it only makes Bizarro Clark stronger. Papa Luthor is knocked unconscious as the Reeves Dam is falling apart and getting ready to drown everyone. Clark is knocked out of the facility. Bizarro Clark flies away, liking the shapely contours of its new farmboy body. And that's the end of Season 6.
Summer vacation! It's so close I can taste the lemonade and strawberry margs. Oh, wow, tart. All that stands in my way is...aw, damn, are you kidding me? The finale of a season where characters have been inconsistent, Clark has been relegated to "Maybe he'll turn out all right, but it's not looking promising," and Lex has finally reached the Evil Lite stage? Yeah, I can't freakin' wait. Bring on the soggy, aged fireworks. Maybe we'll actually get a bang or two out of them.
We open on a small hut in Baie-Saint-Paul, Quebec. There's a crescent moon in the dark sky. It's cloudy. A woman inside the hut is at a stove, boiling what looks like someone's dirty underwear. With good reason, she's crying. She hears a creaking door. She calls out, asking if it's Marie. Or Pierre, perhaps? Javert? At the door is a man. We can't see his face but something from him is glowing red. French Lass tries to close the door, telling him (in a subtitled way) to leave them alone. The man says he's come to save her father. French Lass slowly opens the door. Hey, it's Martian Manhunter! Cool! His eyes stop their red glowing. He is grim as he walks into the home. The woman says she thinks her father is dying. From wearing hot underwear. Martian Manhunter goes into the bedroom. A wild-haired priest is there, holding a small wooden cross and saying prayers. A shirtless old man is in the bed, twitching. It looks like the guy from Metallica's "Unforgiven" video. The priest sees Manhunter and intensifies his prayer. "Back away!" Manhunter says in French. The priest fails to back away. The old man opens his eyes. They're totally black. Close-up on his face. He looks like a vampire; his skin is all waxy as he sits up. Manhunter's eyes glow red again. The old man reaches into Manhunter's stomach and pulls out some guts. I have no idea why Manhunter just stood there and let that happen. Maybe that's why he came. Special Spleen Delivery! Manhunter screams as the really mean old man takes the guts. They are gooey, as you would expect. French Lass whimpers. Martian Manhunter rears back and smacks the old man in the face. Bitch, don't be taking my innards!
The priest finally decides this is a good time to stand up and back away. Old Man Monster rears back and smacks MM. He goes flying, creating a hole in the roof, Looney Tunes-style. We see a red streak in the sky as Manhunter flies off. The beast eyes the priest. The priest grabs French Lass and tries to get her away as she screams and cries. They reach the living area, but the old man is already there, waiting. Give me my hot undies! Ark ark ark! NOW! "Papa, no!" the young woman cries. A bright light shines in from outside, distracting Papa. We hear a helicopter. The windows all glow from the search lights. Soldiers start smashing through the windows instead of just using the big hole in the roof or trying the front door. You should have seen these guys in training. They broke every dish in the commissary. The soldiers, each with a single light on his helmet, surround the old man, pointing big guns. Unwisely, Number One and Lex risk their lives by entering the room. "No bullets," Lex tells everybody. They need the guy alive because a monster is inside him. To prove this, the old man suddenly stiffens and reaches for his bare nipples. He growls. Something moves around in his chest. Everyone winces. The ugly Phantom Zone wraith flies out of his chest, up through the roof and out of the scene. The helicopter overhead fails to follow. The camera looks down through the roof hole to see Lex staring up. The old man is on the ground, a pool of blood next to his stomach. This is just the beginning of Lex's very bad day.