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Don't You Wanta Phantom?
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Summer vacation! It's so close I can taste the lemonade and strawberry margs. Oh, wow, tart. All that stands in my way, damn, are you kidding me? The finale of a season where characters have been inconsistent, Clark has been relegated to "Maybe he'll turn out all right, but it's not looking promising," and Lex has finally reached the Evil Lite stage? Yeah, I can't freakin' wait. Bring on the soggy, aged fireworks. Maybe we'll actually get a bang or two out of them.

We open on a small hut in Baie-Saint-Paul, Quebec. There's a crescent moon in the dark sky. It's cloudy. A woman inside the hut is at a stove, boiling what looks like someone's dirty underwear. With good reason, she's crying. She hears a creaking door. She calls out, asking if it's Marie. Or Pierre, perhaps? Javert? At the door is a man. We can't see his face but something from him is glowing red. French Lass tries to close the door, telling him (in a subtitled way) to leave them alone. The man says he's come to save her father. French Lass slowly opens the door. Hey, it's Martian Manhunter! Cool! His eyes stop their red glowing. He is grim as he walks into the home. The woman says she thinks her father is dying. From wearing hot underwear. Martian Manhunter goes into the bedroom. A wild-haired priest is there, holding a small wooden cross and saying prayers. A shirtless old man is in the bed, twitching. It looks like the guy from Metallica's "Unforgiven" video. The priest sees Manhunter and intensifies his prayer. "Back away!" Manhunter says in French. The priest fails to back away. The old man opens his eyes. They're totally black. Close-up on his face. He looks like a vampire; his skin is all waxy as he sits up. Manhunter's eyes glow red again. The old man reaches into Manhunter's stomach and pulls out some guts. I have no idea why Manhunter just stood there and let that happen. Maybe that's why he came. Special Spleen Delivery! Manhunter screams as the really mean old man takes the guts. They are gooey, as you would expect. French Lass whimpers. Martian Manhunter rears back and smacks the old man in the face. Bitch, don't be taking my innards!

The priest finally decides this is a good time to stand up and back away. Old Man Monster rears back and smacks MM. He goes flying, creating a hole in the roof, Looney Tunes-style. We see a red streak in the sky as Manhunter flies off. The beast eyes the priest. The priest grabs French Lass and tries to get her away as she screams and cries. They reach the living area, but the old man is already there, waiting. Give me my hot undies! Ark ark ark! NOW! "Papa, no!" the young woman cries. A bright light shines in from outside, distracting Papa. We hear a helicopter. The windows all glow from the search lights. Soldiers start smashing through the windows instead of just using the big hole in the roof or trying the front door. You should have seen these guys in training. They broke every dish in the commissary. The soldiers, each with a single light on his helmet, surround the old man, pointing big guns. Unwisely, Number One and Lex risk their lives by entering the room. "No bullets," Lex tells everybody. They need the guy alive because a monster is inside him. To prove this, the old man suddenly stiffens and reaches for his bare nipples. He growls. Something moves around in his chest. Everyone winces. The ugly Phantom Zone wraith flies out of his chest, up through the roof and out of the scene. The helicopter overhead fails to follow. The camera looks down through the roof hole to see Lex staring up. The old man is on the ground, a pool of blood next to his stomach. This is just the beginning of Lex's very bad day.

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