Episode Report Card
Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
Don't You Wanta Phantom?

The ethereal music of "Omg, this is the greatest love story evah, Clana, CLANA, CLANAAAAA!" begins to play. Lana says she's sorry. "Just know that I will always love you," she whispers. Cue theme from The Bodyguard. Clark squints his eyes like, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!?" Without a hug, Lana abruptly walks away and down the stairs. Clark watches her go, thinking, "Well, glad that's all over with. I can finally get on with my chores and my alone time and hanging around with Lois and -- oh, shit, COME BACK!" He superzips past her, down the stairs, to stand in her way. He says he can't lose her again. Clark wants to tell her the truth about himself. Lana says she already knows about his powers. Yes, but do you know about The Gay? Clark steels himself. "There's more," he says. "I'm from another planet," he says. Planet Lamewad in the Milky Sauce Galaxy. Angry Pant Crabs Nebula. Lana looks at him in wonder. Clark says it's called Krypton. Don't wear it out. It's light years away, and his parents sent him here to save his life, just before it was destroyed. Lana tears up. She gulps, sadly. "Lana, please say something," Clark says. She steps forward. And kisses him gently. They make out as she holds the sides of his neck in her hands. She smiles at him. I guess this would be a bad time to bring up the fact that his broken planet is what turned her parents into The International Parents Of Pancakes (IPOP). Lana says he's still the same Clark Kent to her. Now, remind me why this conversation couldn't have happened four seasons ago? Clark is relieved. He says there's no reason for her to go. "We can be together now," he says. "You'd be safe." Yeah, about that...Lana says that Clark wouldn't be safe. She says he has a weakness. Chocolate? Clark asks how she knows that. She walks past him to look at an interesting part of the wall in the barn. He asks if someone told her that. He thinks it was Papa Luthor. Lana gulps, looking nauseous. Lana turns back to him, but she doesn't answer. Forcefully, Clark says she needs to tell him everything she knows. It won't be a long conversation. Lana, blinking rapidly, looks sad and guilty. She says Papa Luthor threatened to kill Clark if she didn't marry Lex. "Boom" goes the dynamite! Clark, hurt, hugs Lana. There, there, little squirrel.

Papa Luthor is talking on the phone as he rides a LuthorCorp elevator. This has to be the scariest elevator outside of a first-person shooter game. It looks like you're on an evil spaceship, waiting to be probed in the eye-sack. Papa is leaving a message for MamaKent congratulating her for being the newest U.S. Senator. He says he has no doubt Capitol Hill will never be the same. The elevator door opens. Clark is standing there waiting. Pissed. Papa doesn't finish his thought. He asks what Clark is doing there. THIS! Clark grabs him and throws him down the hall after he says, "What I should have done a long time ago!" Clark whines that Papa Luthor pretended to be some sort of guardian angel. "But you're exactly the opposite!" Clark says. Ha ha. "Clunk" goes the dialogue! Would that be an un-guardian devil? A careless demon? Papa tries to tell Clark that he's got it all wrong, but Clark is already lifting him by the collar and thrusting him against the wall. Papa, being choked, tries to explain that he knows what Clark must be thinking if he's spoken to Lana. "I've listened to you for too long!" Clark yells. Papa says he's been tracking a wraith from the Phantom Zone and that forcing Lana to marry Lex was the only way to get close to his son. How about good old surveillance? He says it was the only way to get the information he needed to help Clark. Clark says he never asked for help and never will. Clark rears back for a punch. At sub-human speed. "You're not a murderer. You're Kal-El!" Papa sputters. You wouldn't punch a Tony Award winner! "Don't call me by that name!" Clark yells. We hear something whoosh into the room. It's Martian Manhunter. His eyes are glowing red. He grabs Clark's ready fist. "Stop!" he says. When his eyes go normal, he tells Clark, "This man is on our side." He's family. "He's an emissary of Jor-El," Manhunter says. Do WHAT!? Clark blinks. Papa Luthor continues to choke. Clark notices and releases him from the chokehold. This would be much quicker if Clark knew what "emissary" meant.

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