Smallville
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | 2 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
A Pilot Doesn't Have to Fly

Inside a flower shop, a cute-as-a-button girl is in a fairy outfit, waving a wand. "Abracadabra," she says. But there's no poof, and the show is still on the WB. "Afternoon, Nell!" we hear a big, plastic, booming voice say, as an attractive young couple walks into the shop. Good God, it's John Schneider from The Dukes of Hazzard! How did he not age all this time? Tom Wopat looks like a mummy, and John looks like he just stepped out of a spa for teens. Annette O'Toole is here, too, but since her role will probably consist of giving Clark Kent hugs when he needs them, I don't see why they needed to hire an actress with talent. Speaking of which, we come to Nell, a vampy, trampy flower-shop lady who in two seconds telegraphs that she's got a thing for Bo Duke. She's wearing a crazy animal-print blouse the likes of which are supposed to be illegal in Kansas. Then she looks at Bo's wife. "Martha," she says, as if talking about particularly stinky poo, "what a surprise." Martha asks for some red tulips. Because this is a flower shop. Nasty Nell asks whether the reclusive Kents wouldn't rather have something more exotic, like tiger orchids. You're talking to Bo Duke. He doesn't know a tiger orchid from a carburetor. In the background, Bruce Hornsby's "That's Just the Way It Is" is playing. I think I'd rather hear the Milli Vanilli. Bo comes up and booms, "No, thanks! Martha has her heart set on tulips." With his brown jacket and matching hair, he looks like Nate from Six Feet Under. Nell makes a crack at Martha's expense about the tulip being an uncomplicated flower. Nell. You live in a small town in Kansas. Who made you Dorothy Parker? Completely not getting the jibe (huh, maybe she is simple), Martha goes over to the little girl and remarks on her pretty dress. "Are you a princess, Lana?" she asks. "I'm a fairy princess," Lana corrects, with eyes like big, round ratings. Bo Duke asks where Lana's parents are. Nasty Nell says they're at the homecoming game with everyone else. How did Bo Duke not know about the homecoming game? Y'all -- I think he's a little swishy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Nasty Nell says she's being "The Good Aunt." Lana asks Martha whether she'd like to make a wish. Martha says, "I would love to make a wish." Lana passes her wand over Martha's plain red head and says the magic word. Martha smiles powerfully as if it will rid the world of anthrax.

Outside, Martha and Bo Duke get into a truck that I swear is the same orange color as the General Lee. In the car, Bo tells her, "I know what you wished for." Leaning her head painfully against the doorjamb, Martha says, "I see a little face." Thumbelina "little" or Verne Troyer "little"? Martha says it's all she ever wanted. Bo leans over and gives her the most puckery stage kiss I've ever seen. But he's interrupted by passing people celebrating the football game. Boy, I'll bet Bo was relieved at that. A convertible passes by containing a bunch of cheerleaders. Bo grins, happy to be away from those gross girl lips. "Hey, looks like Smallville won again!" he butches. How would he know that they won last time? He didn't even know there was a homecoming game. Martha gives him a patronizing rub on the shoulder, and they drive off.

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Smallville

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