Smallville
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | 3 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
A Pilot Doesn't Have to Fly

Main street of Smallville. Gawkers are having a holiday as they look up into the sky and see crazy black trails of destruction heading toward their town. It's not as uncomfortable-seeming as you'd think, and actually is like a less violent and better-animated version of Armageddon in the sticks. According to my Closed Captioning, some person standing around says, "I think it was an airplane." Shudder.

Ominous tuba music plays. Nasty Nell walks out of the flower shop carrying the fairy princess. "What on God's earth?" she asks. Just then, Lana's parents get out of their ancient car and call out to Lana. They're a young, attractive couple. They're also about to be jellied toast. Dad looks up at the sky. We see a comet's view of the meteorite hurtling to earth. We see both parents looking up in front of the car. The meteorite slams right into them, and it's so hokey, fake, implausible, and bad that you want to laugh, but it's also terrible when we see the fireball and people running away from it.

More meteorites. The water tower explodes. A building is cut through like warm butter. Trucks are blown to bits. The WB logo sits in the lower right-hand corner, refusing to be destroyed. People run and scream. Lana cries, her mouth wide and devastated.

In the Bo Truck, the Kents have just figured out that something's a little wrong. A fireball smashes into the road right behind them and to the left. Another one smashes right through the "Smallville = Creamed Corn Heaven" sign. The truck keeps driving, and I have nausea flashbacks to Twister. Martha and Bo Duke both look through the truck's rear window. Martha yells, "What's happening, Jonathan?" in a huge, choking voice, while in front of them, more fireballs slam into the road ahead. Their truck enters the black smoke and disappears. We hear a metal crash.

Evil Entrepreneurs of the Corn. Daddy Luthor is searching through the corn field for his son, Lex. He calls out his name. What he finds is that the corn field has improbably been laid flat. We pan away, up high to see it all. All the green is crisscrossed, and it looks like the Windows desktop wallpaper I used to use. Daddy Luthor bends down and finds a tiny patch of fake red wig hair. He holds it in his hand, not quite lovingly. He hears something. "Lex? Lex?" he calls. Underneath all that corn -- creamed, as it were -- is Lex. He's beaten up, dirty, and to Daddy Luthor's horror, spear bald. L'il Lex is on his side, whimpering, shaking. I like him already.

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Smallville

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