Smallville
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | 2 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
A Pilot Doesn't Have to Fly

Outside, Supermope carries his backpack, which has a skateboard attached to it. Oh, he can't play football, but he can go do twenty-foot vertical Japan airs on a half-pipe? Walking past cows and a red mailbox that reads, densely, "Kent Farm," Clark sees that he's missing the school bus, which is already down the dusty road. Supermope stands in the bus dust. On the bus, two young people -- a blonde girl and a black guy -- exchange money. No, not for that. They made a bet on whether Supermope would miss the bus. Supermope's supposed "best friend" won. He complains that if Clark were any slower, he'd be extinct. Supermope looks sad, but then the camera zooms in and he gets a glint of mischief in his eye. Or maybe that's just mascara. He suddenly zooms out of frame, running at fast speed. How is this a surprise at all to him? Shouldn't he get to school like that every day? Isn't part of being superhuman saving the bus driver all those needless trips and wasted gas going out of his way to the Kent Farm? Does Superman drive an SUV later in life? The bus rolls by, and we zoom by a new town sign that says, "Smallville Kansas Pop. 45,001, Meteor Capital of the World!" Y'all, that's just wrong. People died in that meteor attack. I lived in Oklahoma City, and after 1995, we didn't call it "Federal Building Bombing Capital of the World!" Bad, bad Smallville writers. I slap you. We see an invisible shape run through the corn, causing it to part like the green corn sea. The bus stops again, and Betting Blonde Girl asks, "Did you hear that?" She thought she heard something on the top of the roof of the bus. I don't really get that part because the next thing we see is Supermope as a blur, still running through corn. Maybe that girl's just whack. We pass another sign (this town is full of expository signs) for Luthor Corp. homes starting at $245,000. In Kansas.

We see a shot of the Smallville high school, which looks like every high-school building you've seen in everything from Clueless to The Faculty. I think I may have gone to school there. A red sign reads, "Fly to Victory!" Would you like some crackers with that cheese? Pete and Chloe, the backstabbing "friends" of Clark from the bus, start talking about the upcoming dance. Backstabba Pete asks Backstabba Chloe whether she'd like to go to the dance with him if things with "you-know-who" don't pan out. She says, verbatim, "Pete, do you want to take a commercial break from the soap opera in your head?" Fifteen minutes, folks. That's how long it took for a Kevin Williamsonism to poke its head into the writing. Chloe says she's told Pete a hundred times that she's not interested in Clark. Yet she doth protest too much. Pete asks if she'd like to go to the dance with him as a friend-friend thing, not as a date-date. What is it about the WB and interracial dating? Pete can't ask a girl on a proper date? I guess this isn't Save the Last Dance. Clark comes up behind them ("He's standing right behind you!"), and Chloe's smart little mouth fumbles with a "You -- hey -- what?" Clark explains that he took a shortcut. "Through what, a black hole?" she asks. No, through your pop culture-y dialogue. Pete takes Clark aside, and tells him that Chloe's Weirdar is buzzing. Chloe sets up her character by declaring herself the watchdog of weird stuff in Smallville, which she refers to as "This leafy little hamlet." I haven't seen a single leaf on this show yet. Just corn. Pete makes an awful reference to Scooby & the Gang and the Mystery Machine. This line was funny when the show started, in 1989. Pete whips out his football permission slip, clearly giddy. Pete looks like he's about three feet tall. What is he gonna be, the little plastic thing that holds the football for a kick? Clark tells Pete he's having second thoughts about joining the team. Chloe steps up with her snarky self to ask if this is some sort of teen-suicide pact. Pete reveals that he and Clark are trying to avoid being "this year's scarecrow." Every year, he says, football players take a freshman, strip him down to his boxers, and string him up in a field of corn. What if he's not wearing boxers? Would that exempt him? Pete says he figures if they join the team, they won't get Scarecrowed.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

Smallville

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP