Smallville

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Omar G: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Chloeverfield

Another jump edit and people are panicking and running. "Oh my God!" someone yells. "Somebody help!" the cameraman cries. We see furniture crashing and quick shots of bloodied limbs. Screaming. A pixelated blur. Cut to: The camera is on the floor, tilted sideways. Chloe, on the ground, is holding Jimmy in her arms. He is bloodied about the torso. "Jimmy. Please don't leave me!" she pleads. She turns away from Jimmy. Something is approaching her. A shadow falls across Chloe. Cut to something monstrous carrying her toward us. Chloe screams. Another cut takes us to static. Cheesy and derivative, but pretty effective.

Opening credits. Commercials. Ozzy loves World of Warcraft. Hey, it beats hard-core drugs. To some degree.

Kent Farm, daytime. A title card: cursive wedding script on screen reads, "Eight Hours Earlier." Inside the barn, workers are toiling. Someone is lifting up a giant disco ball. Two women are busily carrying flowers around. Lois, wearing a black vest over a red blouse and sporting a Bluetooth earpiece, is stage managing. She tells everyone that it's 11-hundred hours and that they only have until sunset to make this "Heifer-house" into her cousin's chapel of love. That's... English, right? Some weird variation? An older guy is carrying in a giant silver tray of food. Lois stops him, telling "Emeril" that the dinnerware stays outside until the reception "Presto-change-o." That guy really should just throw the steaming food right on her. He agrees to take the food back. And leave it outside for the farm animals? Hey, "Special Guest Star Kristin Kreuk!" I kinda had a feeling. Like someone destroyed a planet or something and I was here to feel it. Into her earpiece, Lois calls "Goldilocks" and calls herself "Mother Goose." She asks how things are going in Bride Central. She's pleased to hear that Chloe is half an hour ahead of schedule, but warns her not to get cocky. Jimmy's awesome gay friend from the newspaper shows up. Lois doesn't even tell him hi. She says that she was told he'd be filming this epic (she calls him "Spielberg." I knew it! It is Spielberg!) and that she wants candids, testimonials, all that shit. She hands him a small camera bag. Lois also wants Gay Awesomeness to be invisible. She tells him he's a fly on the wall. He holds up a fist. "Ring that bell," he advises. Why is it that when Jimmy does that, it's totally stupid, but when Gay Awesomeness does it, it's not only gay, but also completely fucking awesome?! I guess that's where he got the name. Lois stares at the fist, shakes her head and says, "No." That is why Lois is completely the opposite of Gay Awesomeness. She's Straight-Up Lameosity. Gay Awesomeness lowers his fist, but he is not daunted. He pulls the camera out of the bag and gets to work. Lois, who had no Awesomeness rub off on her, keeps walking, calling "Baby Bear" on a walkie-talkie. She needs a Bluetooth and a walkie-talkie? Don't those cancel each other out? Jimmy walks up to Lois, holding two suits in their plastic hanger bags. He asks if he shouldn't get bumped up to "Papa Bear" since he's getting married. Jimmy, once you're married, you're barely gonna be Older Brother Bear. Marriage doesn't cure being a goober. He stops Lois from walking underneath a ladder. He tells her he doesn't need their good day jinxed. Lois says Jimmy seems a little twitchy (when is he not twitchy?) and asks if he's got the butterflies in his stomach doing the rumba. It's like National Day Of Crap Lois Dialogue Day (it's redundant on purpose). Did they plan their wedding to coincide with that dreaded holiday? Jimmy says the only part he's worried about is the bad luck associated with seeing the bride before the wedding. Lois asks about the rest of the getting married stuff. Jimmy says, sincerely, that when you pick the right person, there's no need for wedding-day jitters. Aw. You're not a total tool. At least not at this moment. Lois takes a deep breath. She tells "Jimbo" that was a good answer. Jimmy segues-into-set-up. He says that since Lois has no plus-one for the wedding, he'd like to introduce her to one of his friends: Clark Kent. Lois rolls her eyes. She tells Cupid to put away his bow and arrow. "That bumbling tadpole is not my Prince Charming," she says. Well, you're no Princess Toadstool. Jimmy suggests Lois jump on his lily pad and plant one on him. Can we stop? Please? Jimmy says he sees the way the two of them look at each other. Lois tells Jimmy to get his eyes checked. She looks away as she says that Clark doesn't like her; he likes driving her crazy. Jimmy says that's Flirtation 101: what guys do when they like girls. Then I must have a raging hard-on for Lois with as much shit as I've given her over the years. Lana, too. Lois is smiling. "Really?" she asks Jimmy. You don't know? Aren't you, like 38 years old? You haven't figured it out by now? "Trust me," Jimmy says, "Lois and Clark would be great together." Like peanut butter and expired eggs. Jimmy says he can feel it in his gut. That's the peanut butter and expired eggs. Lois, trying to protect her feelings, tells him to take some Ex-Lax and get over it. Jimmy chuckles. He says he's going to go practice his vows. He asks her to give "Mr. Right" the suit he's holding when she sees him. Lois lights up as she holds Clark's suit up high. She touches the plastic. Oh, plastic! Reminds me of Clark! We cut to footage from the digital camera. Gay Awesomeness has caught Lois in the act. Lois notices. Gay Awesomeness, run! Lois warns him that if he doesn't get the camera out of her face, she's going to ring his bell. Then she does. She punches him in the gut and the camera flails wildly.

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Smallville

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