Dr. Science is conducting some super-awesome skin-grafting experiment, presumably under Still-Alive Lex's orders. It turns out the recipient of the experiment is one Lana Lang, Squirrel/Human, who is having her skin ripped off and replaced with super-duper exoskeletal superpower skin. It's still creamy and suitable for Neutrogena commercials, though. But we'll get to the skin in a moment.
Clark, bummed and confused about last night's kiss with Lana, goes to talk to her, but finds she's been kidnapped and her new best friend, Tess, is also looking for her. Clark finds a necklace in the apartment Lana is now sharing with Chloe, and it leads Tess to tell the whole story of how Lana was kidnapped by Lex's dudes after she awoke from her catatonia and forced to send Clark that breakup DVD, filmed under duress. But, she managed to free herself from her captors, perfectly razor-cut her hair into a bob in a dingy bathroom and seek some mystical-ass training guru who taught her to fear nothing and be more badass. Clark tracks down the guy and gets the rest of the story. No, it's not a bad dream, but it sure feels like it. Lana learns to be awesome, but still wants more power. Her trainer, suddenly very attached, can't convince her not to take down LuthorCorp, so he goes undercover within the organization. Lana goes to Dr. Science directly and convinces him to use Project Prometheus on her to give her super powers instead of using it on Lex to revive his broken body. Her argument is that she'll help save people and Lex will use the power to destroy the world. Amazingly, Dr. Science agrees, but they make it look like Lana was kidnapped and forced into the skin-grafting thing against her will.
Lex's right-hand man Regan resurfaces and plays cat-and-mouse with Tess, who tries to hire him away. He doesn't go for it. They get into a fight and Tess beats the living crap out of him, showing absolutely no Mercy. He seems pretty dead. Next, she goes after Dr. Science, but Lana, emerging from her pool of skin-water with Clark-like speed and strength, saves him by stopping a fired bullet at super-fast speeds. Prometheus, remarkably, worked, although they don't explain how having new skin can make you run really fast. Tess later finds Lana at the castle, burning all the scientific evidence. Lana warns her about her bitterness toward Lex and lectures about doing good in the world. Lame.
Lana asks Clark to meet her on the roof of The Daily Planet. There, they talk about Lana's new powers. She says they're equals now and she wants them to both do save people and stop crime and all that shit. And best of all, she says, Clark doesn't have to worry about her getting hurt anymore. Clark finally stops fretting for one second to agree that it could be awesome. They kiss. Presumably things go further from there, but we don't see it.
So, Lana, the character we pretty much wrote off completely before her recent return is now Clark's "equal?" In every regard? Did anybody ever want that? Seriously. What the fuck, show?
Maybe it's best that last week the preview was a repeat and didn't really show what was going to happen in this episode, because if I'd known beforehand, I might have resigned my post and run for Canada (but not the direction of Canada where this show is filmed).
Nevertheless! Here we are and here we go. Please keep a vomit bag handy. We open on a very fancy and no doubt nefarious lab. A pipe is pouring water into a big tank while dudes in dark biohazard suits are working. Dr. Science, wearing an especially long-faced expression, bounds up to a platform. His lab coat is open, exposing his manly tie and sensible shirt. Do you like what Dr. Science is cooking? It's science-y. Some eggheaded young jerkoff tells Dr. Science that it's not too late to suspend the procedure. But that wouldn't be in keeping with Dr. Science tradition, now would it? Dr. Science says their orders are to move forward. "At what cost?" Whiny Egghead asks. Listen, you little bitch, the cost is your life if you don't move forward. Got it? Egghead whines that he knows Mr. Looo-thor (nice pronunciation there) wants to get up on his feet, but they're nowhere near ready to test this on a human. He says the studies on mice haven't even started. And the kangaroo tests are still a month away. Should he still even bother ordering the African rhinoceros at this point? Dr. Science doesn't even look his way when he says it doesn't matter. Mr. Luthor wants them to proceed, so that's what they're doing. Strap in, Junior. You're about to get blinded by motherfucking SCIENCE! He asks where they are with the molecular transfusion. Oh no. I didn't bring molecules. Did you bring molecules? SHIT! Does anybody here have any molecules? How are we supposed to do a molecular transfusion without any molecules? WE CAN'T, PEOPLE! Jeez! A woman nearby informs Dr. Science that the subject's vitals are stable and they're all set to go. Dr. Science takes a long dramatic moment. He darts his eyes left and right. I think he's gonna sing "Walk Like an Egyptian." Dr. Science climbs up more stairs so he can get a better view of the water tank. "Begin the transdermal evisceration," he tells an assistant. Whoah. That sounds... harsh. My skin is itchy. The woman nods and pushes a button. We hear a machine spinning up. In the water, we see a lady's body. There's electrical current in the liquid and suddenly, the body bursts into flames. Yes, in the water. Dr. Science watches in awe. Oh sweet fire, my old friend. The camera pushes through the flames until we see the face underwater. That's no lady! It's Lana Lang! She looks scared and is holding her breath. She suddenly opens her mouth and does a silent scream, air bubbles floating toward us. Yikes!