Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
Men Suck

We go to the back alley, because the frat dudes couldn't figure out how to get to the front door. "Did you see the stupid look on her face?" asks Fratty Oldman. Clark is suddenly right in front of Fratty, blocking his path. "Check out Speedy Gonzalez," says Fratty. Clark warns Fratty that he doesn't ever want to see these guys at The Talon again. "Listen, John Boy," Fratty Oldman says. Even his pop-culture references are from before my time! Fratty pushes his out-of-shape luck. He says they'll do what they want, and in fact, they're going to come back tomorrow. Clark dramatically walks past Fratty and says he won't warn them again. "Oh, I get it," Fratty says. "You've got the hots for that bitch manager. It's too bad she's a real dirty slut." Heavens me! Merciful heavens! Virgin ears here! Clark loses it. He bares his teeth and pushes Fratty down on the ground. One of the junior frat guys takes a swing, and in one move, Clark throws them both against a convenient chain-link fence. This is like Clark's personal batting cage. Fratty stands up, grinning. "All right. Wanna try it on, Farmboy?" "Try it on"? Did he just make a pass at Clark? "Let's see what you're made of," he continues. This guy's an awful taunter. He tries to punch Clark. Clark grabs his fist and twists. He grabs Fratty by the shirt and says, "Get your coffee somewhere else." But The Talon has the town's best cappuccino! It says right there on the marquee! He's going to have to special order some Starbucks or -- whups! Clark throws the guy thirty feet. Unfortunately for Clark, Fratty lands on and breaks the windshield of a stopping police car. Oh damn. Out steps perhaps the scariest woman in the history of The WB. (And yes, I'm counting Shannen Doherty.) It's Marge Gunderson, the new sheriff! (Or as a clever person on the forums called her, Frances McDornot.) Clark tries to run the other way, but Lana's standing right there, giving him a taste of his own suddenly-appearing-out-of-nowhere medicine. Marge rushes up to Clark and points a gun at him. "On your knees," she says. Like Clark hasn't heard that one before. Marge yells for Clark to put his hands behind his head. Now! Marge looks just like an angry white cat. Close-up on Clark looking slightly bemused. Lana is hellashocked.

Opening credits. How far we've come from that pilot episode. Wait, no we haven't! We're still practically at square one! How depressing.

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