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Men Suck

Outside The Talon. Clark, Chloe, and Pete pull up in Chloe's convertible. Chloe and Pete are giving Clark a hard time about his new criminal status. Clark is bitching that he's got forty hours of community service to do. Too bad it's timed, or he could do them in speedy time like the farm chores. Clark retorts to the teasing that he's going to wear an orange vest, not a jumpsuit. Chloe further teases that it's going to clash with the plaid. Ha! Go get him, Chloe. They start joking about CatFace Sheriff. She suddenly appears, of course, carrying a big-ass cup of coffee. "Very pithy," she says. Meow. She greets Clark and welcomes their coming time together on the chain gang. "Toodle-oo," she says. Toodle-fucking-oo? Chloe, who is wearing Michael Jackson's jacket from 1984, wishes Clark good luck and giggles her way into The Talon.

Lana emerges just then. She throws some flowers into a little metal vase outside. She's clearly peeved. She says that Sheriff TidyCat told her she doesn't have a case that'll hold up in court. "It's all hearsay," Lana says. So is this recap. Lana is sad, so she's wearing blue instead of pink. Or maybe she had a sex-change operation. Lana asks how Clark did it. Well, first he had to come to Earth from outer space in a little saucer. Then he had to get picked up by the guy from Dukes of Hazzard and the lady who played Lana in Superman III. Clark also explains how he took on three frat guys. "They were drunk," he explains. He also says he was highly motivated by the thought of someone hurting Lana. I am often motivated by that same thought. Lana says that Clark can't keep his eye on her every second. Why not? He's got a telescope. Lana says that Clark is always there to save her. For once, she wishes she could have saved herself. Well, then they'd have to change the theme song. Lana goes back inside without so much as a "Bye, thanks for saving me from gang rape."

Later that night at The Talon. Lana is in the dark, by herself, picking up dishes. Smart girl. Somebody comes up behind her and puts a hand on her shoulder. She jumps, understandably, and breaks a plate. Who the fuck? Oh. Lex the fuck. That was pretty mean and stupid, Lex. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he says. Yeah you did, ass. Ever heard of a call-ahead? Lex says that Lana's jumpiness is understandable given what she just went through. Lana downplays it, but Lex says that her safe haven was violated. I figured Lana's safe haven wouldn't be violated until at least her junior year of college. Lex says he knows what it's like to be vulnerable. "You?" Lana asks. Did she not hear about all the times Lex has been strung up, ass-kicked, and kidnapped? Lex busts out an "I was a freak in prep school" story and tells about how one day, he had enough and learned how to whip some ass. Lex makes himself a latte as he explains how one of his dad's chauffeurs was an ex-Navy SEAL who taught him how to fight. Unfortunately, Lex got amnesia and never remembered any of those lessons. Which brings us to today. Lex says that the next time he was cornered, the guy he fought needed dental work. Still not impressed over here. Lana says she could never hurt anyone. Lex says it's about regaining your self-control. Like Laura Brannigan. Someone walks by in the background as they're talking. I thought Lana was supposed to be alone before Lex got there.

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