The Barnness of Cheesitude. Clark, his white shirt collar open, is holding out a ring. He talks toward us, but just off to the side. "I've loved you since the first moment I saw you," he says. "Will you marry me?" We cut to Shelby, looking embarrassed for the silly master. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Like we haven't seen this set-up a million times. "Too corny, huh?" asks Clark. Yeah. Just a bit. You might want to dial it down about 10,000 notches. Clark gets up from his one knee and sits on the couch. He shifts nervously and plays with Shelby's head.
The church. The wedding march plays. Everyone looks back in surprise. Papa Luthor turns. Nell and MamaKent turn. Lex turns. The priest is like, "I told you so. Don't bet against God, buddy." Lana appears in the doorway. No Henry Small? No bridesmaids to walk down the aisle first? No cute flower children? Just Lana? Lame! Lex walks down the altar steps in amazement. Two ushers close the doors behind Lana. She carries her bouquet and walks slowly. MamaKent and Nell watch. Chloe looks happy for her friend, not at all upset that she's about to ruin her life. More walking down the aisle. The only people at the altar are the priest, Chloe, Lex, and Papa Luthor. Why couldn't Nell be up there, too? Lana does a great job faking happiness. Lex takes her hands. They climb the stairs.
The barn. Clark sits alone, ring in hand, hanging out with Shelby as the organ song continues. He checks his watch. She did say 5, right? What the fuck!? Clark stands, grabs his jacket and zips out of the barn.
Christ on stained glass. Last Supper. The priest asks Alexander Luthor if he'll take Lana. Love/comfort/honor/keep. Lex likes the "keep her" part. Richer, poorer (not so much), sickness (oh yes), health (we'll see about that), forsaking all others (even Clark?) as long as they both shall live. Lex does. Lana's hair in front of the veil looks puffy and shapeless. Lana puts the ring on Lex's finger. Papa watches for any sign of insolence. Lana's wedding dress is strapless and pretty ugly at the top and front. It looks like she's got rolls. The priest goes through Lana's part of the vows. Clark stands in the back of the church. MamaKent notices him. Clark, hurt, just watches. Papa Luthor sees Clark, too, and smirks. Lana sees him. She turns reluctantly back to Lex, tries to smile, and says, "I do." Close-up on Clark. He's angry. You wouldn't like him angry. Lex breathes a huge sigh of relief. He puts the ring on Lana's finger. They hold hands awkwardly. MamaKent feels bad for Clark. Papa Luthor doesn't. Lana is crying. Lex wipes a tear from Lana's cheek. She tries to smile for him. The priest presents Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Luthor as the organ music starts up again. Hey, can you play that really scary music from earlier when that guy was getting killed? I think it was called "The Crypt Keeper's Suite." Because Lana's really the girl of my screams! Yee hee ha ha ha! Lex and Lana turn to the audience. Lana ain't happy. Clark is gone. Lex couldn't be happier. Lots of applause as they kiss. Clark is still in the church, but around the corner and out of sight. He broods.