Put your waders on, friends. The bullshit here's gonna get pretty deep. The episode starts and ends with wordless montages and twists its chronology all around for no compellingly dramatic reason except that the writers just saw Babel and decided to take out all the foreign languages but keep all the angst. The opening montage shows Lex and Lana getting a sonogram from the creepy doctor. Clark mopes in the barn and flings a picture of him and Lana out the barn window, striking and killing an innocent bystander in China. Clark has a bad dream that Lana's wearing too much lipstick and is also marrying Lex. Clark shows up, stabs Lex with a sword, and says he's trying to save Lana. Lana says she loves Lex, takes the knife, and stabs herself, right through the mutant baby. Clark wakes up in horror. The rest of the episode goes all out of order, but goes on to tell the story of how, on Lana's wedding day, she tricks Chloe by locking her in the wine cellar (hey, that's what bridesmaids are for!) so that she'll call Clark and ask for help. Lana watches Clark break open the steel door and then argue with Chloe for the millionth time about telling Lana his secret. Clark zips out, still not willing to stop "protecting" Lana, but she now truly knows his secret (at least the part about the special powers). Clark talks to his mom, who completely changes her tune about his not interfering with a wedding, and goads him into trying to stop Lana. Clark goes to the castle to try. Lana says that she already knows the secret, won't marry Lex, and will meet Clark at the barn when the wedding it supposed to take place. But not so fast. Papa Luthor sees a note Lana was scribbling to Lex ("Dear Lex: Thanks, but no thanks. You can rent my room out if you like. Laters! LL") and threatens to kill Clark if Lana doesn't marry Lex. This comes after Papa Luthor has asked Lex if he'd do anything to make sure Lana arrives at the altar. All a little too convenient, no? Papa tells Lana that he knows Clark's secret too, and that Clark has a weakness he'll use. She goes all tearful and meek. Just before wedding time, Lana's doctor tries to get $2 million out of Lex in exchange for not revealing whatever's up with Lana's awful, horrible pregnancy secret. Lex starts beating the crap out of the doctor, and the doctor dies when he hits his head on a crypt. Oh, did I mention that they're in Lex's basement, a foggy (!) crypt? Convenient, because Lex can just throw the dead doctor in there and make conflicted faces like he's in an Edgar Allen Poe story. Lex cleans up and goes to get married, but Lana's gone! Then she's not gone! She shows up just as everyone is starting to get very uncomfortable and start asking if she's a runaway bride or a crazy astronaut. Lex and Lana marry as Clark stands in the back and looks heartbroken. After the wedding, Papa bitchslaps Lex and tells him that he can't even commit murder correctly. He knows all about the doctor in the crypt. He reads Poe, too. Lana interrupts. Papa welcomes Lana to the family, menacingly. Bastard! I guess we know he's been evil all along. Clark confronts Lana, and she tearfully sends him away, saying she loves Lex. She doesn't reveal the threat from Papa Luthor. Nothing learned, nothing shared, huh? So after six seasons of this roundabout crap, we're back where we started, with Clark pining and Lana off with some jerkwad. Music plays as she stares from the back of the limo at Clark and he is mopey. Unless you're the movie Groundhog Day, it's no fun watching characters go in circles. And this circle looks like it came out of a damn Spirograph. Could someone explain to me how it is that Lex Luthor killed a guy in this episode, yet emerges as the most sympathetic character?
Are you ready for some music montage-age? Snow Patrol's "You Could Be Happy" -- which is bright and twinkly and not at all like my favorite song of theirs, "Run" -- plays. We open on a stack of wedding programs with a very expensive-looking purple "L" seal on them; the programs are for the wedding of Ms. Lana Lang and Mr. Alexander Luthor. When you're filthy rich, you don't need middle names. Chloe is in a church carrying a box of these programs. She walks up the aisle to the altar, where tons of purple and dusty-rose flowers are being placed, and a woman is holding a clipboard. Chloe, wearing a red coat, looks grimly around the church.
Cut to Lex and Lana getting an ultrasound. Well, Lana is the one getting it, actually. Lex is just watching. Lana stares up adoringly at Lex after she is wowed by the image of feet and baby. Lex smiles happily as he sees what looks like a blue curled-up intestine. Oh, man, suddenly I'm in the mood for Elgin sausage. Mmm, Elgin sausage. The ultrasound image is being shown on a nice flat-screen monitor. I thought most ultrasound machines looked like giant, beige robots from 1970s science fiction. I guess Lex can afford the best. Close-up on Lex as his mouth twitches. Son of a Lex! We get the reverse angle: creepy Dr. Langston, Lana (in bed), and Lex are watching the screen. I wonder if Lex has drawn a big happy face on Lana's tummy with a magic marker yet. With fangs on it. Lana looks at the screen in wonder again. I give Kristin Kreuk shit about her acting sometimes, but her look here appears genuine. Langston gives Lex a sidelong glance, like, "Dude, we're so evil. It's awesome." Lex just smiles proudly again as he looks at Lana. "You could be happy/I hope you are," says Snow Patrol, as we transition to...
...Clark opening a closet door. We see Clark from the closet's point of view, but isn't that always the case? Clark moves some clothes on hangers around and finally grabs what he's looking for. It's a suit with a white shirt already inside the jacket. Clark, wearing a tight red t-shirt, throws it on the bed. He grabs a tie hanging in the closet and examines it. I don't think you're going to be able to hang yourself with that, dude. Clark throws it on the bed. Stupid tie!
The song is still playing as we cut to an overhead view of the Lair of Lex. Lex is examining a wedding band he's holding between his finger and thumb. It's preeeeciooouuuusss. No, Frodo! Stay pure!
Another cut -- this time to Lana's back as someone is tying her up in a white corset. The fuck!? I know Lana's pregnancy isn't exactly showing, but is it really wise to stick her in a restrictive garment like this? I suppose this is fine if you plan to give birth to Flat Stanley. But seriously, forget saving the cheerleader: can we save Lana's belly? Lana, now in close-up, takes in breath and looks uncomfortable as the corset it tightened. Baby! Dying! Lana is standing in front of a full-length mirror as the unknown dresser laces her up and another person works on the wedding dress hemline.