Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
Holy Matrimony!

Once Lex has left the room, Lana really starts to cry. She sobs harshly. There's a knock at the door. She tries to collect herself. Clark is there. Aw, crap. Hey, big fella. It looks like it could be your turn next, huh? "I waited for you," he says sadly. "Clark," says Lana. I think he knows his name by now. But I guess it doesn't hurt to be sure. Clark asks what happened. Lana says she's really sorry, and that she didn't mean to hurt Clark; she lies, "But I want to be with Lex." Clark frowns. He says it's not true. Clark goes to her and says that Lex must have gotten to her. Lana tells Clark forcefully to believe her and just let it go. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels. I know that Clark was just following Lana's lead, but he doesn't care that she's pregnant with Lex's baby? This is supposed to be Superman? This whiny emo bitch? "Let it go?" Clark asks. "Let it go," he repeats. "Lana, I love you. I love you." He's Clark Two Times. "Clark, don't," says Lana. Oh, jeez. This is just...bad. Clark asks what Lex did: "You don't have to stay with him!" Dude, she's married. Lana says that Lex didn't do anything, and that she's made her decision. He did kill someone for her. Lana says that she just wants to be with Lex. Clark asks why she keeps saying that. He tells her that they should be together, and that he wants this more than he's ever wanted anything. Tough titty, Mr. Self-Pity. Clark says he knows that Lana wants this, too. Pouting, Lana shakes her head and makes a bunch of teary faces. Gulping, she says that she's had a change of heart. Clark blinks. Lana tries to walk away. Clark doesn't think she means that. She cries and makes a monkey face. Clark asks if this is because of his secret. No, it's because you're a lesbian. He says he'll tell Lana, and that he's not like everyone else. Oy, this is getting desperate. Lana sputters that he has to go. "No," he says. He makes her look him in the eye and say she'd rather spend the rest of her life with Lex Luthor. That almost never works. Lana toughens up and says she's sorry. "I love Lex," she says, staring Clark in the eyes. She walks out of the room. Wow. Sucks to be Clark right now. But doesn't it always? Heart? Broken.

Lex, in another room of the church, is looking at his wedding band and basking in the afterglow. A door opens. It's Papa Luthor. He congratulates Lex, who says he's sure that's not the only reason Papa Luthor is there. Papa says that he's glad that the wedding euphoria hasn't tempered Lex's cynicism. Lex says that old habits die hard. Papa says that, apparently, some are next to impossible to kill. "Aren't they?" he asks, darkly. Lex chuckles and asks if Papa Luthor stays up at night practicing this stuff. Papa Luthor rears back and bitchslaps Lex right across the mouth. YES! That was awesome! Lex's lower lip is bloody. Papa asks how Lex could be so stupid. Blame the writing, maybe? Papa says that Lex is a grown man on his wedding day and still needs Papa to come to the rescue: "You are pathetic." Lex pretends not to know what he's talking about. Papa says that there's a crypt down below that's gotten a little overcrowded. Lex wipes the blood from his lip and says it was an accident. "Of course it was," Papa Luthor says smartly. "You don't have the guts to plan a successful murder." He says that if anyone were to stumble upon the corpse and figure out that it's the doctor, they just might find out the truth about Lana's pregnancy. Checkmate! Lex is totally defeated. "She's made a desperate man out of you, Lex," Papa says. You'll get no disagreement here. Still desperate, Lex says that Papa wins. Whatever Papa wants, he can have. Control of LuthorCorp, 33.1, whatever. Papa smoothly says that Lex will know when it's time for Papa to collect. Lex's blood is gone. Lana walks in without knocking. Papa and Lex play it off like they were having a warm heart-to-heart. Lex thanks his father. Lana says that she didn't mean to interrupt. Papa comes to her, addressing her as Mrs. Luthor. He kisses her cheek and says, "Welcome to the family." Oy!

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