Smallville
Promise

Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Holy Matrimony!

Clark, in the barn, opens up a chest. Arr, matey, what manner of gold be thar here? Yar! You know, I really thought Snow Patrol was supposed to be indie and cool, but they sound as lame as Lifehouse. And The All-American Rejects. And, to a lesser degree, Coldplay. Is it any wonder we'd hear them on this show? It makes me sort of happy to know we'll probably never hear an Arcade Fire song on Smallville. From the chest, Clark pulls a picture of him and Lana dancing at the prom. Lana's hair is stranger than I remember, but Clark looks incredibly happy. Clark stands up and walks around with the picture like he's feeling nostalgic and a little Zen about the whole Lana situation. He pauses, and we get another close-up of the framed photo. Ah, maturity. I think Clark might finally be accepting what's happening and ready to mature into the Superman we all know and love. I'm proud of you, Clark. You're showing some real growth here and...what? Oh, you're going to fling the framed photo out of the barn window and let it sail across the night sky? Well, I guess you could do that. You know, if you want to be a Big, Dumb, Immature Alien. Go right ahead! To my small surprise, Clark totally does just that. Clark watches it go. We cut to a faraway outside shot of the Kent Farm. The photo, spinning through the air, flies right at us. This is a metaphor for the Clark and Lana crap heading right for us for the rest of this episode. Beware. The photo goes on to sail to China, where it hits a fisherman in the back of the head ("Clana, no!"), causing an international incident that will eventually lead China to invade the United States with nuclear weapons. We will begin to win the war, but then China will make a pact with splinter groups in Eastern Europe who will begin to wage an information war against our country's financial interests. Eventually, we'll be enslaved. Which is all to say, nice fucking move, Clark.

Opening credits. Commercials. You can now see The Oliver Queen Chronicles at CWTV.com/sprint. There's also an arrow-shooting game featuring shirtless boys. Get your blocky animation on. It's fun for fans and pedophiles alike!

We come back to a church organ playing. In a church. The camera pans along the back row. The place is empty except for Lana, Lex, and a priest up front. Wow, this really does not speak well for requiring RSVPs to be done via Sprint text messaging. There are purple lights shooting up the church walls, making me think something's amiss here. The priest asks Lana about loving/comforting/honoring Lex. All at the same time? That sounds hard. Is this in the pre-nup? Also, Lana, please pay special attention to the part about "forsaking all others," because you see Clark, like, every damn day. Lana, wearing really deep, dark, crazy red lipstick and heavy eye makeup, says, "I do." Lex, wearing a white suit and white tie, smirks. He puts the wedding band on Lana's finger, next to the ginormous engagement ring. Lana grins. Lex suddenly grunts. Lana's grin goes even wider, and with that lipstick, we're in "Black Hole Sun" territory. "Lex! Oh my God, Lex!" Lana exclaims. Lex, surprised, looks down. The front of his shirt is red with blood. Lex's mouth is bloody, too. He grunts and falls. Clark -- wearing the suit from his bed, minus the tie -- is standing behind Lex. Not in the church, Clark! Lana stares at Clark with scary eyes. Clark is holding a small sword. "I saved you," he says, seriously. Lana steps forward, unwisely, saying that she loved Lex. Clark says she doesn't mean that. Lana, grimacing, grabs Clark's hand, the one still holding the bloody sword. "Lana!" Clark warns. She pulls the blade right into her belly with a grunt. Lana's mouth is open in a big O.

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