Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
Holy Matrimony!

"NOOO!" Clark yells, sitting up in bed. He looks around the room. The camera zooms in on the suit and tie, hanging up on the inside of the bedroom door. Clark breathes deeply. Best dream ever!

Strange thing, this episode. It goes back and forth in time. Hope you don't mind. We are alerted to this by a wedding invitation card with a cursive "LL" at the top. The text reads, "Wedding Day. 11:03 am." Got that? It's before noon.

Clark walks into the barn wearing his blue t-shirt/red jacket combo. He grabs a bale of hay and pitches it up to the second floor, not caring that he's hitting the wooden rail and breaking it. Hay! Stop that! Clark, not satisfied, throws another bale and really breaks the shit out of the rail. He stops himself, looks up, and sighs. "Stupid railing! I never liked you! YOU did this to Lana!" Clark's cell phone rings. Throw it upstairs, Clark! "Shouldn't you be at the Luthor mansion? Arranging flowers?" Clark asks. The telemarketer from Hilton resorts has no idea what to make of that. The caller on the line is actually Chloe, who says that she kinda needs Clark's help. We cut to her in a dark wine cellar; she says she's downstairs in the Luthor mansion. She doesn't seem particularly alarmed about her predicament.

We hear a whoosh, and then Clark calling Chloe's name. Clark is in the wine cellar, but outside the dungeon-like room where Chloe is trapped. He calls her name again. "Hurry! I'm freezing in here!" she calls back. Clark goes to a big steel door. He pulls on a handle, but it breaks off. Clark pulls the entire rounded steel door off. Chloe, shivering, thanks Clark for the help. Clark tells her that next time she wants a bottle of wine at 11 AM, she should go for a red. Oh, you witty alien. You do so have a way with a bon mot, Clarkerton. As Clark solders the door hinges back with his heat peepers, Chloe apologizes. She says that Lana asked her to go find Lex's hidden wedding present, and that the door shut on its own. Clark sees the wedding gift: it's a tiny, baby blue box with a white bow. Clark makes a face and says that he'd better go. "That's it?" Chloe asks. You were expecting some flowers, Chloe, maybe? She says that Clark fulfilled his damsel-in-distress quota for the day, and is now just gonna walk away. Clark asks what he's supposed to do. Chloe, nicely lit for this being in a basement, says that she always thought Clark would swoop in and save the day. Didn't he do just that? "If Lana didn't want to marry Lex, she wouldn't," Clark replies. Now, if you'll excuse him, he's got some photos to throw and some world wars to start. Chloe says that Lana's not her hero, Clark is. You wouldn't know it by this show. Chloe starts to say it's crazy, this idea that Clark is still keeping his identity secret and giving up the person he totally loves. "I'm protecting [Lana]," Clark says gruffly. "Good job," Chloe says without pity. "She's marrying a monster and trapping herself into a loveless life." Putting aside that Chloe has loved Clark in the past, this is kind of last-minute tough love for someone who hasn't been able to say this stuff directly to Lana. This whole conversation doesn't flatter Chloe. Clark asks if she thinks this is easy for him. She says it's easier than getting hurt. It's not really easier than watching this show, though. Clark squints. Chloe says that Clark doesn't hesitate to save lives because of his iron flesh. But she says that, the one time it means putting his heart on the line, "the man of steel is nowhere to be found." I don't say this too often, but shut it, Chloe. Clark says that letting Lana go is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Not watching your dad get buried? Or finding your former wife dead? Clark, teary-eyed, says that if Chloe doesn't know that about him, she doesn't know him very well. He turns to go, and superzips out. Chloe's hair goes flying. She seems a little emotional herself.

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