Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
Holy Matrimony!

More time warping. "Wedding Day. 4:43 pm." We see a very nice, if old-school-looking church. Or is this just another side of the castle? I can never tell. Some kids are rolling out a carpet down past the front steps. a foggy crypt? Are you fucking kidding me? The Crypt Keeper jumps out and goes, "Hello, boys and ghouls! Come to blow off a little scream?! Tonight, a tale so ghastly it takes some skin off my back! The horrifying tale of how Lana Lang became more important than Superman on this show! Yeehee ha ha ha ha!" Lex is seriously walking around a basement crypt calling for Dr. Langston. And there is seriously fog on the ground. I guess they were having a sale on fog machines at the Vancouver Spencer's Gifts. The doctor appears. "Is this about Lana?" asks Lex. No, it's about your future, young man! How would you like to buy a nice cement burial place? Dr. Langston freelances on the side as an undertaker. It is, in fact, the side career he has undertaken. I'll be dead before I get tired of that joke. Lex asks if Lana is all right. Langston, standing a ways off, says that's a bit ambiguous, given what Lex has done to her. What, putting his dirty penis into her? I was hoping this doctor wouldn't be so preachy. Lex tells the doctor that, in a few minutes, he's going to be exchanging rings just above where the doctor is standing. He asks what's so urgent that it couldn't wait. Langston starts stepping forward, a creepy man in a creepy crypt set. He says that he wouldn't want to get in the way of Lex and his beautiful bride. He menacingly adds that it would be the truth about her condition that might get in the way. "For your sake," says Lex, with a threatening step forward, "I hope I'm not understanding you." The doctor tells Lex to consider it payment hazard pay for the dangerous and unethical position Lex put him in. Daaaaamn! Lex says that today is the day Langston holds the most leverage. Langston hands Lex a card and tells him to wire $2 million to the account, or Lana will know everything. That seems fairly cheap, given that Lex spends that much just to change the floor tiles at 33.1 every few months. Does that mean Lana will have to find a new doctor? The doctor tries to walk off. Lex stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder, and says he doesn't give in to blackmail. The doctor tells Lex that no man sinks as low as Lex has if he isn't driven by desperation. Now he's a psychologist, too? He doesn't advise Lex put Lana's love to the test. Lex waits just a moment, and then starts punching the shit out of the doctor, right in the face. Organ music from upstairs starts to play a Tim Burton suite, drowning out the noise. Rock it, Bach! Lex keeps punching and punching the dude in the face. Edgar Allan Poe smiles in his sodden grave. More punching. "I won't let you take her away from me!" Lex growls. Lex raises his fist for one more punch. He lets go instead. The doctor falls backward. He hits the back of his head right on the edge of a concrete coffin. He lands on the floor. The organ music rises dramatically. This is wedding music? Lex looks surprised and scared. The doctor looks pretty dead. Smell ya later, Langston.

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