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Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
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Scary Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lana, wearing a maroon robe, comes out of the bathroom. She hears a noise and walks cautiously. The room is filled with white candles, all lit. Lex is standing there in his own dark robe. Maybe they'll have robe sex. Lex, caught in the act, asks, "Too much?" Not if you're filming The Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" video. "No, it's uh..." Lana says. It's terrible! How dare you try to do something romantic for your wife! You monster! Get away! Lex licks his lips as he approaches Lana. He touches her hair and says, "I thought if I set the mood..." No. You'd still get denied. All your billions of dollars, and you're as abstinent as a monk. Life is so unfair. You're there to make regular guys feel better about themselves. Lex tries to kiss Lana. She moves her head away. Why'd you want to get married so badly, again? "...Or maybe not," Lex says. Please don't let Lex's descent into ultimate evil be about blue balls for Lana. It's just not right. Lana starts to explain herself, but there's a knock at the door. Lex goes to answer, because, clearly, nothing's going to happen here that'll be interrupted. Number One apologizes for bothering Lex. He steals a quick glance at Lana. Whatever's going on in Number One's imagination is a thousand times dirtier than anything that's going to actually transpire in this room. "The asset failed to return," Number One says. Asset? My God, man, what in bloody blue blazes are you -- ohhhhhhhh! The asset! Right! Well, get on that, then! Go take care of...this asset business! Lex says he'll be right back. Maybe they can continue this awkward sham of a marriage when he returns. Lana has a weird, pained smile on her face. It's amazing how one woman can make so many people (me included) absolutely miserable.

We hear a familiar "Whoosh!" "Lana!" Clark whispers. Clarks in yer roomz, fuckin' yer marri4g3. Lana whispers that Clark shouldn't be here; Lex is right outside. Taking care of some asset business. "I had to see you," Clark says. Lana starts to explain that nobody is ever going to have sex with her again, but Clark quickly adds, "It's not about you and me." Oh, thank the Lord. Clark says Lois is in trouble. He says there's a connection to Lex. He wants to know if she's seen or heard anything about the military. "Ares," she says. Clark says that's the god of war. I thought that was Kratos. Lana tells Clark about Senator Jabba and his threat to shut down the project. Lana says maybe Clark should talk with the Senator. Clark says he can't -- the Senator is dead. Doesn't Lana watch the news? Shouldn't she already know this? Clark tells Lana that the murderer also has Lois. Lana tells Clark about the asset failing to return. Clark is skilled in sussing out anything to do with Lex and the word "Ass." "Asset," Clark repeats. He says that's what the military calls their soldiers. Bummer. Clark tells Lana that Lex is connected to this. He adds some insult to injury by saying that whatever made Lana decide to go through with marrying Lex, it was the wrong choice. He says she has no idea what Lex is capable of doing. Lana says he'd be surprised by what she knows. He asks why she's still here. She just gives him a long, pained look and says, "We all have our secrets, Clark." Ugh. Lana has become her own thamber of thecreths and lieths. Oh, the Lanality of it all! She says that sometimes, we have to keep them to protect the people we love. This is a bunch of bullshit right here. "Lana," Clark says. "I know," she responds, before he can finish. He puts his big hand on the side of her small face and she adores him. He leans in as if to kiss her. We hear the door open. Lana turns in surprise. "Whoosh!" Lana turns back. The window is open, but there's no Clark. "Lana?" Lex says. He asks if she's all right. She says she's just a little chilly. In the loins. Lex sees the open window. He tells her something's come up and he needs to go to the office. He kisses Lana on the cheek. "Don't wait up," he says. As if she would. Lana goes to the window. Sad, undeserved love music plays. She closes the windows.

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