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Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
'Torso,' They Say

We open with our eye behind the lens of a magnifying instrument. It's looking down at the Veritas-Brand Super Secret Compass Decoder Wheel of Slide Ruling. The view reverses so that we see a giant eye staring at us. AGGHH! Put that away! We pull back to reveal an old gentleman looking through a magnifying glass at Lex's latest acquisition. "Unbelievable," he says. No, you're unbelievable (ohhhhh!). "Immaculate," he says. Well, I do try to keep myself in shape. He's sitting in the darkened Lair of Lex, as the man of the house stands nearby. There are flames roaring in the fireplace. Don't you think this guy could use a little more light to examine this precious thing, Lex? "The gears... the complications," the man says. Oh, the complications! They're so... complicated! Avril Lavigne herself could not write a song that did justice to such complications! In his heavy European accent, the man tells Lex, "I haff never sin anything qvite like eet." Well, props to the prop department, then, because it doesn't look all that special to me. "Vot, I mean what does it do?" Lex asks. It impresses old European dudes. It's like bathing in a Speedo on the beach or incredibly expensive cheese. The man says he doesn't know. It's probably just a map to the fridge. Lex says he didn't hire the most renowned expert on antiquities in North America just to get an ambiguous answer. First of all, hats off to Lex for using "antiquities" and "ambiguity" in the same sentence. But, really, Lex, you couldn't afford to hire an expert from another continent? You disappoint me, billionaire. As usual. The man says, a bit nervously, that he needs more time. He needs to take it to his workshop and take the thing apart. He likes to vork in his undervear. Whoah there, Bela Lugosi. You're not going fucking anywhere. And we're not validating your parking, either. Lex says the "cryptograph" isn't leaving this room. It holds great sentimental value for him. "It's priceless," Lex says. The man, Bela, stands slowly. He says that if you can't decode such a thing, then the priceless heirloom would seem to have no value at all. Sentimental value, dude! Lex hearts it! So in order for an antique to have value, you have to be able to get it to perform some sort of trick? My antique is not your whore, mister! Lex looks a little pissed at the dude, but drops his eyes in minor defeat. Bela stars to pack up his little Old European Antiquities Man Carrying Case (it doubles as a fanny pack) and gives Lex a courtly little nod as he leaves. Lex's most recently hired suited assistant watches the old man go. Lex tells the guard that he wants a security detail on the old man, 24/7. So he let Bela take the cryptograph? The guard goes, leaving Lex alone with his fireplace and his thoughts. He puts his hands on the rail above the fireplace, the better to warm up his midsection. Someone comes into the room. Lex turns just in time to get smacked in the chest. He quickly grabs a poker from next to the fireplace and begins a not-so-much-with-the-swords swordfight. It's the guy who took out Va-Gina the Baroness and who tried to attack Lex in Zurich. Hate that guy! Lex tries to stab him, but he gets punched in the face. The man grabs Lex's arm and stabs him in the side with a dagger. Lex grunts. He falls, weak. The man kneels over Lex and gets to work. He opens Lex's shirt and, as the camera rises to keep Lex's body out of view, he begins carving with his dagger. It's just a few strokes, but it sounds pretty gnarly. Lex grits his teeth in pain. We hear a door opening, and the attacker scoots out. The camera comes down from overhead. It rotates and zooms until we're close enough to see a large diamond shape on Lex's chest with two lines bisecting it. One is horizontal, near the top of the diamond, the other is vertical and on the left side of the diamond. Oh, and there's blood. It's pretty gross. Seen enough? Good, because we're going to the opening credits.

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