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Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Ash Tuesday

Medical examiner's office. I wish I watched C.S.I. so I could give you a comparison here, but all I've ever done is read Patricia Cornwell novels, so I'll do my best. The coroner is saying he's got a male Caucasian with multiple wounds consistent with a fall over twenty feet. Hey, I thought this guy was Latino. Damn you, WB! The ME says the subject's neck is broken just below the axis. His booty is broken too, just above the Allies. As sad music plays, we pan over Espado's lifeless body under a white sheet. "What have we got here?" the ME asks as he pulls the sheet back over one of Espado's hands. "Oh, man. That's gotta hurt," he says. If anyone can find where a medical examiner has ever said that to anyone, much less himself, I will pay them a shiny $1 bill. The ME finds the silver bracelet and pulls Espado's hand into a more normal position, cracking bones along the way. A piece of green rock is lodged into Espado's wrist. It's wedged between two body parts I'm not going to bother to transcribe because it sounds like medical jargon. The ME tries to pull on the stone with some weak-ass tweezers. Get the forceps! The stone finally comes out in a little CGI puff of green smoke. "Okay. Let's take a look under the hood," the ME says, after he's done playing with the green rock. He puts on goggles, turns on a whirring saw and, behind a scrim, starts to go to work. But, no! Espado pulls a Carrie and opens his eyes, grabbing the ME's wrist. As a whooshing sound effect plays, the ME's body turns black. He's becoming a huge pile of ash! This is like tanning gone horribly wrong. From behind the scrim again, we see the ME's body turn skeletal, then disintegrate like so much flimsy kryptovillain plot scripting. Horror music plays. Espado gets up. His huge head enters the scrim area. If he had a partner facing him, he could sound out words. The last shot in the scene is of Espado's foot hitting a pile of dust. Ewww! Yeah, take that, ashes. Espado is now named Ash Espado, and if this were a '70s cop drama, the episode would be called, "Ashes to Ashes, Death to Death."

Opening credits. Seventeen times and the song just gets better and better.

Mark Snow brings us back with some small-town episode-beginning music. The blue Kent truck pulls up to what looks like a general store. Before the truck has barely stopped, our mopey superhero is already sighing and complaining to the driver, MamaKent, that he doesn't want to be there. Turns out it's an old folks' home and Clark doesn't like being around old and sick people. I didn't like that attitude when I saw it in John Cusack in Say Anything. And you know what, Clark? You're no John Cusack. Clark says you can't save old people from disease or old age. Well, gee, Clark, did you ever think about becoming a superdoctor? MamaKent says you can save them from loneliness. With the powers of the WB? Good luck. As they carry a bunch of flowers in, MamaKent asks Clark if he's excited about the big fishing trip next week. Clark is less than thrilled, as am I at the prospect of recapping a fishing trip, Bo Duke or not. Clark says he's been going on these fishing trips since he was seven. That's not even ten years. Lighten up, doofball. MamaKent is amazed. An MTV-generation teen not enjoying the tranquility of fishing? Clark says he liked it when he was younger, but now? Those hormones of his aren't really craving it. MamaKent suggests he tell Bo Duke how he feels about the fishing.

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