Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Ash Tuesday

Graveyard at night. Lana goes up to Jocko, who says that in all the time they've known each other, he's never been out there. Lana says it's all right. Jocko says it's not. He cries about how hard it is to think of losing his parents. Go see him, Jocko. But I don't wanna. No, go! Hug. Sniffle. Weird Lana glow-in-the-dark makeup. Jocko decides to go to the hospital. He asks if Lana wants him to walk her home. She says she's going to stay and talk to her tortillas, er, parents.

Just as Jocko leaves and Lana walks through the graveyard, spooky music plays. Lana turns and it's Ash. He's wearing gloves. He says he doesn't want to hurt her and he just wants to bring people peace. Messiah Complex, much? Ash says he overheard the Jocko conversation. He says he can help her friend by doing a little Kevorkian maneuver. Lana hears a branch snap. She turns. When she turns back, Ash is gone. More mood music. Is this episode over yet?

Lex's study. He and Dominic are still hashing out financial discrepancies. What they need to do is get Miss Moneypenny on the case. She'll sort it all out. Lex says he's tired of all the bean counting. He offers Dominic a thirty-year-old single-malt. Is that a drink or a manservant? Lex repeats almost verbatim his speech from the last episode about how his father is afraid of Lex's success. "Now I'm competition," Lex says, in case we didn't already get it last week. During this conversation, Dominic gives Lex a sly, appraising look, and for lack of competition, it will have to do as the Gayest Look of the Episode. I'll have to assume many more and Gayer looks were exchanged later, when Dominic was bound and gagged. Dominic busts in with a line about how some things are better left between therapist and patient. It's not as good as his Biography line, and Lex seems to know it. He looks pissed. He says that in ancient Persia, kings would kill messengers they didn't like. He hints that he can't put a sword in Dominic's chest, but that something more subtle might be in order. "Enjoying your drink?" Lex asks. We pan down to show that Lex hasn't had any of the drink he poured for himself. Close-up on Dominic's drink and a very worried-looking Sean Connery's son.

The Torch. Chloe is showing some of the autopsy photos of Ash which I don't recall were ever actually shot. But don't kill me. I'm just the messenger. Pete takes his third and second-to-last line of the episode, an expression of disgust. Chloe says she has a friend at the ME's office who "zip filed" the toxicology report. So either he compressed it or put it on a Zip disk. Why would either one matter at all? Couldn't he have just e-mailed it? Chloe says they found a green rock embedded in Ash's wrist. "Meteor rocks," Pete says. Thanks, Pete! Your services will no longer be needed this week. Clark asks why all the dead bodies in town aren't rising. Chloe says the combination of meteor rock and painkillers caused Ash to go "Thriller." Painkillers? From where? This makes no. Fucking. Sense. Chloe reveals that Ash tried, but failed, to kill his mother. Apparently, she recovered and is out of the hospital. So, she never tried to contact him or tried to attend his funeral or even filed a missing persons report? No. Fucking. Sense. Lana busts in suddenly, revealing the events of the graveyard. Clark takes off suddenly without explanation. "Don't look at me. He does that all the time," Chloe says.

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