Big events happen this week. Clark confesses his secret to Lana by taking her to the Fortress of Solitude (quick, hide the ice dildos!). He then does the lump-of-coal-into-diamonds trick and solders the diamond to a gold band. With his eyes. He asks Lana to marry him, but gives her time to think about it. Lana thinks about it and decides yes, she will marry this big, dumb alien. At Bo Duke's election night headquarters, The Talon, Bo finds out he's won the senatorial election. Lana slips out to visit a depressed and drunk Lex, who sees Lana's engagement ring and flies off the handle, trying to get her to reveal Clark's secret. Lana flees, gets on an icy bridge and, while pursued by Lex, is run into by a school bus. Clark gets there late, but not too late to emote for once. Noooo! Lana! So Lana's dead.
But wait, there's more! Clark goes to the Fortress and learns from Jarnelle that unlike Cher, he actually can turn back time. Clark finds a way to go back in time to his asking Lana to marry him. Instead, he tells lies and alienates her even more. Clark tries to get Chloe to help protect Lana from her potential death, but Chloe totally drops the ball. The election night goes as planned except that Lois gets electrocuted, which is a red herring because she's totally fine. Lana goes to Lex's again, but this time he tries to put the moves on her and she flees in embarrassment. Clark stops the bus in time to save Lana. Bo gets a call from Papa Luthor, who is acting shady as soon as Bo is elected. Bo, meeting Papa Luthor in the barn, is confronted with a photo we don't see that Papa threatens him with; likely, it's evidence of Clark's powers. Bo talks smack and roughs up Papa Luthor. But it's Bo who is the more roughed-upon. He staggers out of the barn and falls just as Clark and MamaKent get home. He dies of a heart attack. Clark and MamaKent are devastated and we get a slow-motion snowy funeral that tops the similar one they had for Whitney so long ago. So, deleting all the exciting changes in the first half, we're sort of back to square one, minus Bo. Which doesn't seem like that fair a trade, to be perfectly honest.
And it's here. Episode 100. Death awaits us. Was it worth the wait? Was it worth all those snowy coffin promos?
There's snow all over Kent Farm. We hear the opening strums of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, a song my wife really likes ever since we saw him perform it on Saturday Night Live a few months ago. We didn't know who this guy was, but I thought he looked just like Tori Amos with all the googly faces he was making at us. In any case, he's just as ruined as Maroon 5 by the time we're done here. It's going to make you just up and hate the song. In the barn, Clark is nervously playing with something in his hand as the camera creeps up behind him. The song gets off on the wrong foot right away when it tries to use the word "brilliant" in the lyrics while the camera is focused on Clark. Lana appears behind him, saying that she brought the gloves and scarf he requested. Clark says he was worried that she wouldn't come. You've got to have sex with her, first, fool. Lana, who seems in relatively good spirits, says she didn't think a mystery date was what their relationship needs right now. Light bondage and whips? Perhaps. Clark looks out of breath. Lana is standing close enough to be able to tell that Clark's heart is racing. Clark says he's terrified. Oh, there it is. "You're beautiful" comes up repeatedly in the song right with the close-up of Lana.
Al: Fuck yes, y'all.
Miles: You think you can keep us down, fans? You think all your whiny message-board bullshit is going to stop us? Have you learned nothing?
Al: You tell 'em Miles. And speaking of James Blunt, allow me to be blunt: you guys can chomp down on this Lana sandwich right here. It's got two all-beef patties, lettuce, cheese, onions, a sesame seed bun, and the AlMiles secret sauce. Wrapped around some refried Lana! Eat it!
Miles: Then you can regurgitate it and eat it again. For another five seasons. Ha ha ha!
Wow. I am terrified. Clark makes that young mistake of trying too hard just when you're losing someone. He says he can tell that Lana's been pulling away. Lana just says, "Clark...," but she doesn't deny it. Clark says there's something he should have shown Lana a long time ago. It's a squirrel's nest. Her biological parents are really still alive. (Props, by the way, to Cyb on the forums for coming up with "Nibblenuts the Squirrel," our pick to replace Lana should she ever opt out of an expired contract with the show.)