Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!

Quick cut to the Caves of Contrivance. Clark shows Lana the Intergalactic Alpha Centauri Hold-'Em Poker Table of Teleportation. Lana says she's never seen this room before, and asks how Clark found it. The lighting is as good in here as ever. Clark says it was left here for him. "For you?" Lana asks. For him. I can't figure it out, either. Clark nervously says that he's rehearsed this a thousand times. Now, if he could just do that in every episode.... Clark pulls out the octagonal disk from his pocket. Oh, sweet octagon. Where ya been? I had almost forgotten you, given that we've had half a season where the entire plot wasn't motivated by small pieces of metal. Clark tells Lana that what he's about to show her may change the way he feels about him. It's a penis and a vagina. He's a Kryptaphrodite. Lana says that whatever it is, it's all right. Clark sticks the octagon sideways in the octagon slot. (It's a 12-in-1 USB Kryptonian memory card reader. The slot next to it is for CompactFlash.) Warm, bright light flashes around them. Lana looks around while Clark, smiling, tells her that everything is fine. "Do you trust me?" he asks. He holds out his hand. Lana takes it because at this point it's take the hand or run out and risk being sliced in half or becoming a Brundlefly.

Lana and Clark are traveling through a late '90s internet commercial where data travels via curvy fiber-optic cables. They suddenly arrive somewhere snowy. Lana breathes heavily and is filled with wonder. "Oh my God," she says. Clark does his leading-man brood. "Damn, I'm smooth," he thinks. They're in the Fortress of Solitude, which isn't so solitary right now. Lana and Clark stare at each other. He says that when she asked him if he believed in life on other planets, she had no idea how ironic her question was. That's not irony, stupid. Irony is like rain on your wedding day, or dying in a plane crash when you're afraid to fly. I heard it in a song once. Clark tells Lana he's from a planet called Krypton. Lana steps forward and puts her hand on Clark's cheek. She's relieved when it doesn't turn to a puddle of goo. "But you're just like everyone else," she says. Clark picks her up. That's not so super, dude. Oh, wait! He flies! Sort of. He looks up with determination and launches himself into the air. It sure looks like he's flying. But instead he's just jumping really high to an upper level of the ice. It looks pretty precarious up there. Lana asks if it's the first time Clark's done that. She asks how many times Clark has been there saving her when she didn't know it. Man, I've lost count. Clark says that doesn't matter. The camera pulls back very far to show all the ice cliffs. "No one knew," Lana marvels. Clark doesn't stop to correct her about Chloe and Pete. Clark whines that there were so many times he wanted to tell her. "What makes today any different?" she asks. Clark says he wants her to know who he is. He holds out a black piece of coal. Oh. Thanks. You're a coal miner? Awesome. We'll have a great life together. In Kansas. Dumb-ass. Clark makes a fist, and the coal burns in a flash of bright light. Clark makes a face as he strains. I hope he's got on those adult diapers. He opens his hand. Blows some dust away. There's a perfectly formed little diamond in his hand, oh about a carat or so. Does DeBeers know about this? You know, if Clark got off his ass, he could stop all those shorties in South Africa that Kanye talks about from getting their arms cut off. Clark sets the stone on a gold band. He eyejaculates to solder the diamond to the ring. It would be hilarious if he handed it to Lana and it looked all crude and misshapen, like he made it in shop class. Then she'd have to wear it anyway. Clark gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to Lana. "Will you marry me?" he asks. Lana looks breathless.

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