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Big Superman On Campus

The new kittens are running around the house and wrestling, I just poured myself my first morning cup of coffee, and my bitterness about KentFan is behind me...or is it?

We open on the most industrial-looking college campus ever. Then again, I haven't seen that many college campuses, and the one I graduated from is in Oklahoma, of all places. They done teached me good. The campus building sits nested amid the big fake buildings of Metropolis. Inside, somebody is pouring a bottle of Cuervo into some tall shot glasses, and the tequila is landing more on the bar than in the shot glasses. Which is probably a good thing. For those of you white co-eds under age twenty-two, I'm going to let you in on a little secret my people (the brown ones) have been keeping from your people (at least the white ones): Cuervo sucks. You know how you hear all those horror stories about getting sick on tequila? That's because the person was drinking crappy tequila full of impurities. Good tequila (Patron, say, or Don Julio) doesn't have that kind of effect. You can sip it all night and you won't get that sick, horrible feeling you get when you're hungover on the cheap stuff. So next time you make a run for Tijuana to buy some liquor, for God's sake buy something other than Cuervo, all right?

Now, back to our show: a huge Metropolis Bulldogs logo adorns a wall as some girl fends off frat boys with a pillow in a giggly fight. It will not end well. As we pan across the very large party room, other folks are dancing to some Fatboy Slim, which is all right in my book. The camera does some loopy things before settling down to a large table where a bunch of guys are taking shots in unison. Everyone throws dollar bills down on the table. Across from the boys, Lois Lane -- who looks at this moment an awful lot like Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy -- has taken her own shot and wears what appears to be...good God, that's a pajama top! I think I'm going to be sick!

Just as we see Lois, one of the guys across the table facing her falls down in a heap. His dudes help him up as Lois smiles triumphantly. "You guys okay?" Lois slurs. "You want a cracker to help keep it down?" This is just sad, sad, sad. The two guys left -- one of whom looks like the titular bulldog of logo fame, the other of whom looks like Christian Bale's little brother -- appear worried. "Drink," says Li'l Bale. Lois, her eyes all unfocused and drunk, smiles even more slyly than before. The two guys and Lois raise their shotglasses. They take their shots. The camera moves to Bulldog. He starts breathing heavily. It looks like he's going to purge. The people around him start whooping as he holds his mouth, gets up, and runs off. Thank you, Smallville, for sparing us a re-enactment of the Lard-Ass scene from Stand By Me.

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