Smallville
Red

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Red Means Stop (Being Nice)

Commercials. Birds of Prey. Boobies in leather.

Back at the farm. MamaKent and Bo ask Clark where he was the night before, as he takes some bags and packs them into the trunk of the Ferrari (which is actually in the front). He says that last night was the best night of his life. Wait...did he get laid? They say they want to help him. He's dressed in black like he's Johnny Cash Jr. Clark asks if their help is doing more chores on the farm for a $20-a-week allowance. He's wearing sunglasses, too. Bastard. Bo says there's something wrong with Clark and it's that ring. Clark says it's pathetic that Bo is still upset about the ring. Bo tries to go to Clark. "You really don't want to touch me," Clark warns. Bo asks Clark just to hand him the ring. MamaKent ruins everything by explaining that the ring changed Clark's personality. Bo helps. Clark says he wishes he'd found it sooner. Clark says they can stay in this mudhole, but he's through being poor. Bo says they might not have nice things -- non-barn bedrooms, toilets, a monkey butler -- but that he didn't think this family was about that. Clark says with his abilities, he can make millions. Sports. TV. Construction! Clark says they've been forcing him to hide who he is. Bo says they've been protecting him so that he wouldn't get taken away. Who's going to take Clark away? It's not like he can't defend himself now. Clark says he's just been another piece of farm equipment. The hoe? Clark speeds of as Bo and MamaKent are literally left in the dust.

House of Lexxin'. Lex, like me, is tapping away at his laptop. Clark busts in like he's Papa Luthor or something and announces that he's going to keep the Ferrari a little while longer. A stock-ticker LED bar has been installed above the door. Clark says he'll send the car back when he gets himself "set up." Lex tells him to slow down, and asks what's going on. Clark lies down on a leather sofa. He says he left home. He says his parents don't understand him. First DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, now this? Maybe parents really don't understand. Clark says there's nothing left for him in town. "What about Lana?" Lex asks. Clark says she's old news and that he's got a new girl. Who's writing his dialogue, S. E. Hinton? Clark says that Lex is always telling him he needs to find his destiny. Clark says it's sure not in Kansas. "You have no idea what I'm capable of," Clark tells Lex, seriously. Oh dear. Lex is intrigued. "Really? Why don't you fill me in?" Clark gets up and says that when he shows the world what he can do, he'll have everything he's ever wanted. What if everything you ever wanted is right here, in this room? (Cue "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.) Clark says he'll be richer than Lex. Lex suddenly agrees, saying that maybe Clark's right. Lex says that if Papa Luthor wants the mansion, he can have it. Lex says he didn't want to live there anyway. "You can come with me," Clark says. ("He asked me, he asked me!" Lex squeals in his head.) Lex says he's got the apartment in Metropolis. "Clark Kent and Lex Luthor," Clark says. "I like the sound of that." Oh. Dear. God. This is a joke, right? They're putting me on. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep-sea divers have gone to the Titanic of homoerotic subtext and they have unearthed this, the great buried chest. And they opened it. And it's full of riches and rubies and sparkles and rhinestones. It's FAB-ulous! Lex says he's gotta get some stuff from the office, and tells Clark to make himself at home. more so. Even if it doesn't happen that they're going to run away together, just the idea of it. My goodness. I think we all need a little recovery time here...

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Smallville

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