I know a lot of you are watching because Tom Welling is supposed to be wearing some sort of swimsuit this week. All I can say is, there's more to life than Clark Kent's supple, lean, male-model body, submerged in water, then emerging onto land dripping and loose from his underwater exertions, tiny rivulets of chlorinated water languidly streaking down his chest. (If that caused a visual that blew a circuit in your brain, that's good. We just weeded out the weak.)
And there he is now. The episode starts with Clark Kent diving into pool water. We see him from below the surface and he swims toward us. Steady now...The camera breaks the surface nicely and some boppy arena music is playing as Clark paddles under the camera. It swivels and follows. Pete is in the swim lane next to Clark, and he's lagging. Where's your smart remark now, swim boy? There are actually people in bleachers watching these not-particularly-talented swimmers go at it. Clark, I know you're gay and all, but you're no Greg Louganis. Clark and Pete stop at the lane as a whistle blows. A couch with a whistle tells them that Clark and "Turner" -- whoever that is -- are in the final. Pete says he needs a rematch because his foot slipped on the dive, and he lost his rhythm. You let Clark beat you at something involving rhythm? "It's funny. I thought you were just slow," Clark says. Pete breaks the Rule of Trash Talk by laughing at Clark's remark instead of having a Yo Mama comeback ready. Clark gets out of the pool. Brief glimpse of red swim trunks. Not that I was looking.
Bleachers. A blondie in a Smallville High jacket is talking to Lana. "He's a hottie, isn't he?" she asks. Why, yes I am. Oh. She's talking about Clark. Well, fine. Shot of Clark and Pete out of the pool. Clark -- who has last season's lack of a tan -- gets up, grabs a towel, and prepares to dry off. "Who, Clark?" Lana asks, focusing more on the huge, oversized marker she's holding, which is thicker than her waist. Lana tells Perky Girl that she and Clark are just friends. Is that going to be the incantation for the whole season? Clark playfully throws a towel over to Pete as a bunch of red-shorted, bare-chested guys walk by. This is just like that "Schmitts Gay" beer commercial from SNL. Lana asks Perky Girl what she thinks. Shot of a very bland sign that reads, "Spirit Week 2002" in black letters and "Go Crows" in red. Blahna. Perky Girl says it's awesome, adding that she'll ask the principal if they can hang it in the middle of the cafeteria. She's treating Lana like the slow kid at camp with the deformed macaroni art. Lana tells Reese Witherspoon Lite that she's really thrown herself into spirit week. Reese Lite says these are the best times of their lives. Then God help them all. Lana says she's really looking forward to the week. An ox of a teen comes up to Reese Lite and calls her "baby." She gets after him for dripping on her signs. He's the only wet guy with a shirt on. He must have man-boob shame. He says he has another race -- finals -- and needs a good-luck kiss. Reese Lite looks to Lana. "Go. I can finish up here," Lana tells her. With her suck-ass signs. Reese Lite and her himbo go off for a tryst. Lana underlines "Crows" over and over, obsessively.