Smallville
Relic

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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Let's Do The Time Warp Again

The year was 1961. The Mesopotamian Empire had fallen. Hitler was dead. (Or was he?) Cell phones weren't popular yet, but in two short years, conspiracy theorists would have a whole new reason to go on living. In short, it was the best of years, it was the blurst of years. Hemlines were crazy and apple pie was tasty. Kansas had mountains.

Oh, you know that song with the twangy surf guitar that sounds real languid that they were using in the promos for this episode? They'd better not ruin that song for me. That's all I'm sayin'.

We open on the exterior of a beige prison. The color beige is a prison, girlfriend. (Snaps, snaps, snaps, to my fashionistas.) You can hear a buzzer/alarm sound in the distance. Nobody's in the parking lot. Wait, a car is pulling up! But we cut away before I can see who it is. I was kind of hoping it would be that Karen Sisco chick. (Growwwwwl.) Inside, in the hospital wing, somebody's doing paperwork. I know I'm truly in a sort of prison for men, because I hear a voice that breaks through the beige: The Pink Preternatural. She's telling an old man lying in a hospital bed that nobody in her family ever talked about a woman named Louise, her great-aunt, except that she died young. The old man says he bets they never mentioned that she had a husband. Next to the old man, someone else has an oxygen mask on and is lying on his or her side, as if this is storytime. Tell Frank Booth a story, mommy! Lana stares right into the camera (Gah! You made me jump!) and says she doesn't blame her relatives. After all, she says, the old man was convicted of the aunt's murder. Ah yes, murder. That most dangerous thing that's not really a game. "Yeah," the old man wheezes. He's got a tube in his nose. Lana asks why the guy waited all these years to write to Lana. He says that Aunt Nell asked him not to. No fair using Aunt Nell in the show if we're never going to see her again. Lana says she doesn't want to be rude (she'll just be whiny, lame, and coy), but that she doesn't know what the old man wants her to do, even if she believed his story. The old man looks a little like the great Dick Miller from Gremlins. I'm happy to report that he's also in the new Looney Toons movie. Go Dick Miller! Poor Man's Dick Miller -- who's doing a rich man's acting job -- tearfully says he just wanted someone in Louise's family to know that he's not the man who killed her. Lana is thinking, "Yes, but what does this have to do with me? ME ME ME ME ME ME ME PINK ME PINK!"

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