Smallville
Relic

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Cut to an extreme close-up of a pistol firing. Outside what look like Japanese sliding doors on the side of a barn, a tractor sits. A young man runs out of a house and calls out, "Louise!" He sees a dude in a leather jacket run out of the barn. The young man looking for Louise runs into the barn. "It was forty-two years ago, but I can still hear those shots," Poor Man's Dick Miller says in a voice-over. The young man picks up the gun from the hay-littered ground. He sees a young woman's body lying on the ground, bloody of torso. He holds her and says her name. A man in uniform walks up. In voice-over, the old man says that Sheriff Tate arrived and found him with his dead wife in his arms. Tell him it was the one-armed man! Hey, he's holding what looks like Lana in his arms. Well, if he did kill her, I can certainly see a jury finding him not guilty. "What have you done?" Old Timey Sheriff asks. Young Dick Miller Husband Guy is in tears. He says he swears that's what happened that night. The Lana look-alike is still dead.

We flash back to the present. The old man says that he saw Lana's picture in the paper and noticed a strong resemblance to Louise. Lana is holding an old newspaper showing her great-aunt. "Local beauty murdered," the old Smallville Ledger front-page headline reads. It figures that, even back then, Lana was only admired for her looks. An old photo makes her look like a skinny Frida Kahlo. The old man says that if Lana's anything like Louise (poor guy, being married to that), she'll be the one person who'll understand. Lana asks who killed her, if not him. He says it was the man who was leaving the barn in the leather jacket. A drifter. But that guy had two arms! Lana stares at the newspaper. A police sketch shows a man with pouty lips and nice cheekbones, and a necklace that bears a crest-shaped small medallion. It's got a symbol on it that looks like an 8. Yep, it's sort of Clark with a butch haircut. Opening credits. They should have swapped the song for "The Power Of Love" this week.

Who the fuck is this "Can you hear me now?" jackhole? They let him on the Smallville set, but not me? That tractor seriously needs to run him over. He is a child of the corn. Oh -- go see Elf. It's funny.

Kent Farm. Where the windmills are powered by good-old American grade-A wind. (Which Bo Duke breaks often and pleasingly.) Lana has taken her newspaper to Clark, who asks what happened to the drifter in the police sketch. Lana says they never caught him. But now he plays guitar in Radiohead under the name "Johnny Greenwood." Lana says that people assumed the old man made up stories. Oh, come on, when do old people ever make up stories? Lana believes him, though: because, why would he lie now? Good logic! Overturn that conviction! Clark says that murderers spend half their day trying to convince people they're innocent. Take it from Clark, the murderer. Lana says that the picture looks just like Clark, so there's a good chance the drifter was real. It's a sketch, Lana! Lana says that the drifter could have been Clark's grandfather. Or his father. Clark says that's impossible. Lana says that Clark must have come from somewhere. She says it's not like he just fell out of the sky. That's like that joke that ends with the punchline where the doctor says, "What have you been doing, eating the suppositories?" and the guy with the bad English says, "What the fuck do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my ass?!" Well, fine, the joke doesn't really match, but I still like it. The music of sad misunderstanding plays until Clark notices the little crest on the police sketch with the weird "8" symbol on it. The screech of Karmic Dissonance plays. Then, very dramatic music. Lana is like, "Hey! Clark! I'm over here! You can end the scene looking at me, can't you? Helloooooo?"

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