Episode Report Card
Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Instead, we go The Caves of Plot Contrivance. Osama is still hiding here. Clark and Bo point their flashlights to the ceiling, where the camera is mounted, being careful not to cross the streams. Clark says he thinks that the person in the police sketch was Jor-El. "From 1961?" Bo says. How lame is it that instead of using the actual episode title, "Relic," they kept calling this episode, "1961," even on The WB site? Well, then again, "Relic" isn't so hot a name either. Is the "Relic" supposed to be the old man? Clark says that the walls (and his Hollywood inside sources) tell him that Kryptonians have been to Earth before. Why not his dad? Bo says that Clark may be trying too hard to make a connection. Yeah, Clark, this isn't Elimidate. Clark says that the symbol the guy had on his medallion was Kryptonian. He ordered it from QVC Krypton. Bo says that if it was Jor-El, it's not much of a stretch to suppose that he might have killed someone. Clark says that, up until now, Jor-El has been a distant, powerful threat. But if he was in Smallville, maybe he and Jor-El are not so different after all. Except for Jor-El's British accent. Clark says that maybe Jor-El is more human than they thought. Bo shakes his head in disagreement, and then stops. He's spotted the crest on the wall in big, bright white chalk. They move toward it. Clark puts his hand on the symbol, which is conveniently at waist level, and the markings on it change. The symbol flies into the wall, leaving a Superman-crest-shaped hole. Clark stupidly sticks his hand right in, and bright yellow light bursts through the hole. Ha ha, Clark got burned. The camera zooms in on Clark's face, and we get flashes: A girl's face, a ring with a "T" on it, a couple kissing, the crest necklace, someone getting smacked by the butt of a rifle, a movie marquee, more making out, a gunshot. Holy editing! Clark pulls his hand out of the interstellar glory hole. Bo asks what's wrong. Clark is shaking. He opens his hand to reveal the metal necklace charm. Shiny. "What is that?" Bo asks. It's $19.95 if you act now! Clark doesn't answer.

The Talon exterior. Instead of going inside, we're on the street, where Pete and Clark are walking. Clark is telling Pete that the images he saw must be from the past. Pete tells Clark to lay off the late-night television. (Does he mean monster movies? Because that reference is about a decade out of date, at least.) Clark says he's serious. Three thuggish teens (one of them is wearing what almost looks like a Dallas Cowboys jersey) push their way past Clark and Pete. Clark lays his hand on a mailbox to rest (oh, this explaining to Pete is exhausting), and we get a bright white flash.

It's 1961. Wow, I didn't know they had letterbox format back then. A dude who looks like Clark (and also disturbingly like Joey Tribbiani) is chillin' by the U.S. Mail. Boppy '50s music is playing. The cars are old. A "Founder's Day Festival 1961" banner hangs in the background above the town's main street. The camera pulls back to show the downtown scene. People in suits, cars of vintage ilk, and The Talon are on the other side of the street. Clark walks by Fordman's hardware store. He looks over at the Talon Marquee, where Splendor In The Grass is playing. A young woman in green (Lana's look-alike Louise) is strolling on the sidewalk reading a Hollywood magazine with Elizabeth Taylor's face on the cover. She's got white Disney-character gloves on. A man comes up to her and tells her to "give it over." The magazine? Louise struggles, but is pushed down. The man goes after her purse. Across the street, sideburned 1961 Clark sees what's happening. He superspeeds over, and casually tosses the would-be robber against a street post. Ow. A police car parks right where the robber is lying, its siren dying down. Clark Tribbiani puts an arm around Louise and helps her up. A cop handles the robber as Louise says, "My hero." Clark 1961 says that Louise doesn't strike him as the kind of person who needs saving. She looks like someone who needs a full-time makeup artist and dresser, but not a savior. Louise thanks him, as Clark 1961 picks up her purse. Tinkly music plays. Clark 1961 hands over her purse and her magazine. Oh, so that's whom she's modeled after. She tells him she's Louise. "You can call me Joe," says Clark 1961. Joe Tribbiani! She says that Tribbiani is the most excitement they've had all year. The cop comes over and says that they owe this leather-jacketed stranger their gratitude. He introduces himself as Sheriff Billy Tate. The cop says that Joe's got some good reflexes there. Joe says he was surprised by them, too. The cop hasn't seen Joe around before. Joe says he's passing through town on his way home. "Lucky you," Louise says. Sheriff Tate tells Joe that Louise always has stars in her eyes. That's because they've very far away and gaseous. Joe and Louise share moony looks. A car pulls up. It's driven by the young, nerdy husband. "Louise?" he warbles. She rolls her eyes like it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. Well, I guess I can hate the 1961 version of Lana now, as well. The cop tells Louise to go on home, because her husband hates to miss his bridge game. Yeah, why not make her husband a wuss and a bridge player? The guy can't catch a break. The cop says he'll take Louise's statement later. Louise tells Joe Tribbiani that she'll see him around. Before she gets in her husband's car, Louise looks back and gives Joe a look that even people in the next county noticed. The cop, no dummy, catches it as well. "I appreciate your help," the Sheriff says, putting his hand on Joe's shoulder. We flash back to the present.

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