Smallville
Relic

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Omar G: C- | Grade It Now!
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Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is standing by a bookcase holding a copy of The Catcher in My Rye. Or maybe it's The Pitcher in My Pie. He says he always assumed that Papa Luthor's knack for taking people's money was inherited but...this is ree-diculous! Lex doesn't think petty crime runs in the family. Chloe -- who is about to do the zombie shoulder-shake from "Thriller" -- says that there aren't a lot of people with the name "Lachlan Luthor" in town. He has to be the one who was arrested. Lex says that nobody in his family ever came to Smallville until Papa Luthor bought the creamed corn factory. Mmmm, creamed corn. David Lynchian. Lex asks if this isn't off Chloe's beat. Chloe says it's pro bono. So she gets paid at the high-school newspaper? She says that Lana's worried about her uncle. Lex doesn't think Chloe is there because of Lana. Chloe gives Lex the hate-eyes and starts to ask if Lex had ever heard anything about this drifter. Lex asks if Chloe thinks that the Luthors sat around on holidays and told old crime stories. Chloe says that Lex's family isn't exactly a Norman Rockwell painting. Unless it's that long-lost one where the cherubic kids are strangling dad as Santa watches and laughs. Chloe says that she could use any help Lex can provide. Lex tells Chloe she's hit a dead end. Wow, that's a surprise, because I thought the Avenue of Lex was a street that went both ways. Lex and Chloe exchange roadblocked looks. Chloe's jacket is now huge in Japan.

Clark rushes up the stairs of the Barnness of Back-to-the-Future-tude. Lana -- wearing last week's strange paisley shirt and a librarian's overcoat -- is waiting. "Hi...Lana..." Clark says. What's...up...Clark? Clark apologizes for being an ass earlier that morning, about the biological-dad business. Lana apologizes back that she dumped a lot on Clark all at once. Speaking of dumped, YOU GUYS BROKE UP! Clark says that when you're adopted, you dream about what your birth parents were like. The biggest nightmare, he says, is that they were criminals. I thought the biggest nightmare was that they gave you up because you're a hermaphrodite with all your naughty bits in the wrong place and order. Lana says it's not easy; she knows, because of all the strange surprises in her family. Speaking of which, where's Henry Small in all of this? Why can't he help sort this crap out? Lana shows Clark the box of Louise's stuff. She opens the creaky, leathery box. Clark sticks his hand right in and picks up a pin. He puts it back down. He finds some old photos to flip through. Lana finds a love letter. Lordy. It has lines like "Hold me in your arms," "...you so deeply," "all my love...." Clark panics for a moment because he wonders how one of Lex's letters to him got in there. Lana is surprised her great-uncle could be so.... "Passionate?" Clark asks. Lana was going to say, "Trite," but that's all right, Clark. The letter is signed, "T," in cursive. Lana puts the letter back. They keep digging. Lana finds a string of pearls. "Could you?" she asks Clark. Wait, that's nasty! Ewwww. Oh, wait, she only wants him to put the necklace on her. Sometimes I forget that Lana isn't that worldly or familiar with the songs of ZZ Top. Clark strings it up on her. Tighter, Clark, tighter!

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Smallville

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